


Behind These Four Walls

by Lisa94



Series: Twitter/Tumblr Prompt SKAM [2]
Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Bipolar Disorder, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Hospital, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Strangers to Lovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-29
Updated: 2017-06-23
Packaged: 2018-10-25 06:49:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 26,644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10758948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lisa94/pseuds/Lisa94
Summary: "AU in which Isak's mother is in a mental institution and one day when he goes visit her he sees a beautiful boy painting outside and as he waits for his mother to come join him he approaches the boy to see what is he painting and he sees, it's a painting of him. He sits right next to the boy who presents himself as Even and theycstart talking. Even explains he'd seen him coming to visit every weekend and thought he was the most beautiful boy ever."- found on tumblr





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Can´t remember the last time I tried writing something with more than two chapters but we´ll see how it goes. Inspiration comes from here: http://tarjeiandhenrik.tumblr.com/post/160078911948/au-in-which-isaks-mother-is-in-a-mental

                                                                             

 

 

 

 

 

Isak walked through the patches of green with those yellow flowers. He had no idea what they were called but they were pretty. The big building infront of him always made him feel like he was in a different time. It didn´t feel like Oslo 2017. More like a castle in 19-something. And it was true – in there was another world. With strict rules. A place that Isak visited every weekend but was glad to leave again.

 

„Hi, Isak! How are you?“ the young girl at the counter, Mari, smiled at him and handed over the clipboard for Isak to sign.

 

„I´m good.“ the boy signed the paper and got a visitor batch in return. „Was thinking of going on a walk with her.“ he said as he put the batch on his grey hoodie.

 

„That sounds nice. I´m going to ring her doctor to send her down.“ Mari picked up her phone and Isak nodded in thanks. He made his way further into gaustad sykehus and looked around for a place to sit and wait. All the seats had been taking by patients so he walked out into the courtyard. He would still have a good look into the entrance.

 

The bench that was half in the sun, half in the shadow and opposite to the entrance was the bench he sat on most of the time he was here. Today it was occupied as well. By a boy wearing the same grey clothes that every patient wore. His blond-ish hair was messily hanging in his face. He was bend over a skatch book and drawing with a concentrated look on his face. The boy looked beautiful and Isak couldn´t stop himself from walking over and sitting next to him.

 

„Hey!“ Isak said and looked on the skatch book only to see a perfect picture. Of him. Well his face but – that was him! „oh“ was all he could say.

 

„Shit.“ the deep voice mumbled and the book was closed. Isak looked up to see beautiful blue, wide eyes. His heart did stupid things to him seeing how frightend the boy infront of him looked.

 

„No, it´s okay! That was really good. Did you draw it?“ Stupid question. Of course the boy draw it. Isak wanted to slap himself.

 

„I … yeah.“ Oh what a lovely voice he had. „You´re not … freaked out?“ he asked with unsure eyes.

 

„My mom is a patient here and she´s been this way since I was born. It takes a lot to freak me out.“ Isak said without thinking. The boy infront of him looked back down on his book and played with the edge that was a torn. As if he had been playing with that corner a lot.

 

„Mr. Valtersen?“ Isak looked up when he was called and saw his mom´s doctor with her behind him. She looked good. Better than last weekend when she spent two hours explaining to Isak why him being gay was a sin and what he should do to stop being gay. It was a tiring sunday.

 

„I ehm … my mom is waiting.“ Isak pointed in the direction of his mom and stood up. „But … mhm … it was nice meeting you.“ Isak pushed his hands in the pockets of his hoodie and turned to leave when the boy on the bench didn´t answer.

 

„Hi Mom.“ Isak hugged his mother and let her have the moment. It had take him a while to get to this point. When he was younger he didn´t understand why his mom would do or say those weird and hurtful things. It was really bad during his coming out phase. But now he understands why she is like that and that it isn´t really her or anyones fault.

 

„I thought we could go on a walk? Outside?“ Isak asked his mom but had a sidelook on her doc. His mom smiled at her son, liking the idea.

 

„It´s a good day for that, Isak. Have fun!“ The doctor had his pager in hand and left them. Isak looked back at the boy on the bench that was back to drawing. Just the look of him made Isak want to protect him.

 

„It really is a good day today, isn´t it? The sun seems really warm.“ His mom got him out of his thoughts and back to the real reason why he was here.

 

„Yeah.“ Isak knew her doctor meant her mental state and not the weather but he let her go with it. Smiling at his mom he started walking outside of the hospital. Something he only was allowed to do because the doctors and stuff around here knew him quiet well and his mom had proven to be better when she had spend some time with her family.

 

„Can we get some ice cream? You like that, right?“ There were things that Isak liked better but he was happy that his mom was starting to act like a mother again so he didn´t say anything.

 

„Yeah, sure. There´s an ice cream pailor down there.“

 

 

~*~

 

„How was your mom?“ Jonas asked that night when the both of them had dinner at McDonalds.

 

„Alright. I think she wants to learn again how to be a mother but it takes a while.“ Isak shrugged. He was thankful for that but he still felt a distance between them that he didn´t know if he could ever overcome.

 

„Give her time. You both need to learn to be mother and son again. And she´s still not well.“ Jonas was the only one out of his group of friends that really knew where and why his mom lived. His friends only knew that he visited his mom once a week. Not where. Not why. But Jonas had always felt more like a brother to him. He knew most of Isak´s secrets.

 

„There was a boy there.“ Isak said and busied himself with the fries on his tray. He had to listen to all the girl storys his friends told him. They would survive Isak´s boy storys.

 

„Cute?“ Jonas asked. There was a time where it was awkward. Where both didn´t know what to say when Isak liked a boy. Because Jonas didn´t really know what the right response was and Isak didn´t really know how to be comfortable and gay. But that was almost two years ago. Isak and Jonas both had learned. Learned through mistakes and misunderstandings. But they got at a point where Isak bringing up liking a boy was absolutely normal.

 

„Very. Super handsome. I think he saw me often there. When I was waiting for mom I sat next to him and he was drawing my face.“ Isak looked up to see Jonas eyes full of questions.

 

„Isn´t that a bit creepy?“ he asked.

 

„No, not really. I don´t know I think I grew up with creepy and weird and freak-ish. Him drawing me was … nice I guess.“ Isak shrugged with only one shoulder.

 

„What´s his name?“ Isak shrugged again in response.

 

„I don´t know. He asked if it was weird and I said I grew up with weird, a drawing of my face won´t freak me out. He shut down after that.“ Isak went back to analyzing his fries.

 

„Oh Is.“ Jonas looked at him with sympathy.

 

„What?“

 

„He´s a patient there, Isak. And if he´s drawing you I´m sure he likes you. Or at least would like to get to know you. You saying that you grew up with weird is just … it´s like all you´re mom is to you is weird and crazy. All that that boy will ever be to you.“

 

„What? No! I don´t even know him!“ Isak made sure to defend himself.

 

„Can you for once not block very citicism you get and think? Because you most likely hurt that boy.“ Jonas stole a Chicken Nugget from Isak.

 

„I didn´t mean to!“ Isak complained.

 

„Tell him, Is! I don´t need to hear it.“

 

~*~

 

The next time Isak went to visit his Mom he had a bag of McD's with him. He tried his best to not let Mari see it but with no luck.

 

„What´s in there?“ She asked as she took the signed clipboard back but still had the visitor batch in her hand.

 

„Nothing.“ Isak said. Mari just tilted her head to the side and give him a „don´t shit me“ face. „Look, I fucked up with this boy and need to apologize, okay?“ The girl was around his age and only working here for a year as a volunteer after school. Surely she would understand how easy it was to fuck up at their age.

 

„Who?“ Mari asked and Isak tipped his head back with an annoyed sigh.

 

„I don´t know his name. He was sitting out there last weekend drawing.“ Isak pointed in the direction of the bench they first met.

 

„Even? He´s drawing all the time. You´re lucky he´s allowed to eat what he wants. He´s in Room 712. He went back up after lunch. It´s your best shot to knock at his door. But don´t overwhelm him, okay? He want´s out of here not stay longer because of some dude.“

 

„So much faith in me.“ green hazel eyes squinted at Mari before he finally got the visitor batch and walked up to the elevators that Isak always found a bit wrong in the setting. This building looked so old – might be Hogwarts – and had elevators.

 

He pressed the Number 7 – same floor his mom was on – and suddenly felt really nervous. What if Even didn´t want to see him? Didn´t like the food? Didn´t accept his apology? Isak didn´t even really want to be best friends with him. Just have him somehow in his life. Waving at this beautiful boy whenever he visits and they cross paths would be enough.

 

Before he could talk himself into a panic attack the bell in the elevator rang and he walked out of it. The floor was empty, which wasn´t surprising. His Mom was in 722 so Isak at least had a slight idea of what directions he had to take to get to Even´s room. It turned out to be the last room on the floor. The door was wider apart from the next door than the rest of them. Did Even had something that made him dangerous? But he didn´t look like it.

 

Isak knocked and waited. There was no answer. So Isak knocked again.

 

„Leave me alone.“ came the moody answer. But Isak wouldn´t do with that. He just brought food in here which wasn´t even allowed. He sure as hell wouldn´t leave with it.

 

„Even? That´s your name, right? It´s Isak. Well, the boy from yesterday. You´ve been drawing me? I just … I was a dick. Can you open the door please? I´d rather apologize to you instead of a door.“ Isak said and would´ve felt stupid for talking to a closed door if he wasn´t actually in a mental hospital.

 

No … answer.

 

„C´mon! I swear I´m not mad or freaked out or whatever you thought. Please open? I got you something.“ Isak really liked gifts. Maybe Even did too. But the door kept close.

 

„Alright. I´ll just put it infront your door, okay? My mom is waiting so … yeah. Just open it soon okay? I´m not really supposed to bring you that … okay. Bye!“ Isak walked down the floor with a sinking feeling. He had hoped to chat with Even. Or at least see him again. But there was a reason why Even was here. He shouldn´t have thought this was going to be easy.

 

His mom´s room was almost at the complete opposite end of the floor. When he knocked under the plate with the number 722 he knew the door would open. He didn´t know what would wait for him on the other side but at least he would be let in. Isak looked back to Even´s room and saw the bag disappearing into the room. With a soft smile Isak felt a bit lighter walking into his mother´s room.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not sure how to feel about this chapter. Kinda wrote it itself. Just know that if you are a big fan of Vilde x Magnus this isn´t a chapter for you. I don´t like them together and well - Isak is me in this one. Happy reading!

 

 

The class room was almost empty when Isak made his way to his seat in the back. He actually liked going to school and wanted to have those quiet minutes before the class starts to get his notes ready. It was a nice, calm atmosphere in a alsmost empty class room. The blonde boy read through his biology notes about genetics when someone sat down next to him.

 

„Hey.“ Sana smiled kindly at him. The two of them had started out as biology partners that quickly became best friends. It had helped a bit that Magnus of Isak´s clique had a major crush on Vilde of Sana´s clique. And that Jonas and Eva had been a couple as well. It took a bit of time but the boys and girls had grown into something like a big group of friends.

 

„Hi. How was your weekend?“ Isak asked.

 

„Yeah. Good. You didn´t miss much yesterday.“ Sana´s look told Isak what he needed to know. Their clique had met up for lunch and Jonas' had already told him about the awkwardness of having Vilde and Magnus there.

 

„So I heard. They have a weird relationship.“ Sana only nodded in agreement and got her Macbook ready to take notes during class.

 

„Love is Love. But ...“

 

„I know.“ The conversation came to an end when their teacher, that still didn´t know what a bra is, came in and began their lesson.

 

#

 

**Jonas**

How did it go with your boy?

 

**Isak**

He´s not my boy.

 

**Jonas**

But you want him to be your boy.

 

**Isak**

Shut up.

 

#

 

Living in a shared apartment meant you rearly had a quiet moment. Eskild had tinder dates over all the time with too loud music to drown out other too loud sounds. Noora was loudly cooking or had the girls over. Lin was mostly quiet and in her room but she had a way of making sure he was okay in moments he really didn´t want to see anyone.

 

That´s why it really wasn´t surprising when there was a knocking on his door while he was scrolling through the website of gaustad sykehus to figure out what kind of mental health issues they treated. Even didn´t look like he had something major. He seemed normal enough that one time he actually saw him and not just his door. But Isak wasn´t a psychologist. His medical interest fell for the human body not mind.

 

„Isak?“ came with the knocking. The boy shut his laptop and looked in the direction of his door.

 

„Yeah?“ he called.

 

„I made dinner. Do you want some?“ Noora asked. It wasn´t really a question. Isak was able to feed himself and cook some simple meals. But he never said no to a cooked meal by someone else. So of course he got up from his bed and opened the door to follow Noora into the kitchen.

 

„I´d ask Eskild but -“ she pointed to his door. It was very quiet in there but the „Don´t enter I´m naked“ sign was up. All of them had learned it the hard way – Eskild didn´t put that up for fun.

 

„Yeah. He´s fine in there.“ Noora had set the table for all four of them with the Tortilla in middle. It was something Noora cooked quiet often and it always tasted really good. They sat in silence while eating until Noora couldn´t take it anymore.

 

„What´s up with you? You´re quiet. More than usually.“ Isak shrugged and kept on eating. Would Even like a Tortilla? Isak wasn´t too sure about the quality of food they got at the hospital but it couldn´t be the best. Maybe he should make Noora cook another one and bring it to Even next weekend. Maybe it would be like that Disney movie his younger sister Lea made him watch when they were younger. Where the beast got gifts and food to make the girl like him.

Damn Isak was acting like a teenager in love. And only the first part was true. He really needed to start thinking about other things.

 

„Are you coming next weekend?“ Noora tried once more to start a conversation.

 

„Coming where?“ Isak looked at her confused.

 

„The park? Our group chat was about nothing else all day.“ Isak waved it off.

 

„I was busy. What´s at the park?“

 

„Barbecue. Saturday night. The boys wanted to meet at the skate park and come by later. You can do what you want. If you want to come.“ Noora explained and ate the last bit of her tortilla.

 

„Sure.“ Isak helped Noora doing the washing up and got back to his room. His mind was back with Even, what he might have and how he could make him feel better. Laying on his back he stared at the ceiling. Maybe Even would like some coffee? That couldn´t be bad for anyone, right? And a nice Starbucks coffee would be better than the cafeteria coffee at the hospital.

 

He should ask Mari next time he sees her. The girl worked at a computer she had to have some informations about the patients there. They went to the same school but never actually talked. Only when he visited his mom. Isak felt like they were friends. Giving out secret informations about patients is something you´d do for friends. Right?

 

He turned around on his stomach and reached for his laptop. It wasn´t the newest one so I took a while until it was ready to start the internet and open Google. Isak thought for a moment before he typed _What is illegial in mental hospitals that patients want_ into the search bar. Even wasn´t leaving his mind and he wouldn´t stop until he saw a smile on that boys face.

 

#

 

„Mari! Wait up!“ Isak spent all of his lunch break looking for the girl. Five minutes before the bell rang he finally spotted the blonde hair in the crowd. „Mari!“ the girl finally turned around, along with all her friends.

 

„Isak! Hi!“ she smiled kindly.

 

„Yeah, hey. Can we talk for a minute?“ Isak asked looking behind Mari to show her that he wanted to talk with just her.

 

„Ehm … yeah.“ Mari said something to her girls that Isak didn´t undestand but made the group leave. „What is it?“

 

„Do you have access to the patient records?“ Isak asked and – yes he knew how bad that sounded.

 

„Isak.“ Mari shook her head with a pitiful look on her face. „I can´t ...“

 

„No, I know! Just … I want to help him. But I don´t know -“ Isak looked everywhere but at Mari. He sounded so stupid but what was he supposed to do? He had such a strong need to help him. This wasn´t about him apologizing. This was about Even that draws him and couldn´t face him afterwards.

 

„Leave that to the doctors. Just keep visiting your Mom and be nice to him when you see him.“

 

„I want to be nice! But just maybe I can help aswell? Make him feel better? You can´t feel like nothing is wrong with you when you´re in there, right?“

 

„Isak … something _is_ wrong with him. Otherwise he wouldn´t be there. This is the human brain we´re talking about. It´s super complex and who knows what we might damage when we just talk in the wrong way or some shit.“ Mari wouldn´t tell him anything.

 

„Fine.“ Isak rolled his eyes slightly and left the cafeteria without a goodbye.

 

 

#

 

„And then Vilde went down on me and it was … everything I ever dreamed of.“ Magnus had that really wide grin on his face. He wasn´t kidding. Mahdi was right at his side „Woho“-ing his friend for his girlfriends actions. Isak in return took another long drag from his joint. He slowly let the smoke leave his mouth as he laid back down on the grass.

 

It was saturday night and the boys had met up at the park couple hours before the girls would arrive to smoke. They hadn´t really done that in a while. The weed was starting to mess with his head. It had stopped having any major impact on him. Life just felt … stressfree. Easy. Isak took another drag and tried his best to create rings blowing the smoke out. It didn´t work out the way he wanted and it made the boy laugh to himself.

 

It wasn´t too late but the sun was slowly started to go down, the world turning a warm orange. There was smoke from their joints over their heads. Beer cans laying around the grass. The smell of summer still in the air.

 

„How is it then? Being in a relationship with Vilde?“ Jonas asked opening another can of beer.

 

„It´s nice.“ Magnus shrugged.

 

„Nice?“ Mahdi asked. „A relationship should be more than just _nice_ , shouldn´t it?“ he looked around the boys. Isak just shrugged. He hasn´t been in a relationship that he would call a loving relationship.

 

„Jonas? How was it with you and Eva?“ Mahdi asked the fourth in their round.

 

„Everything at the time. I wanted to spent my days with her, she was the first person I wanted to tell stuff, protect her from the world. Sex was amazing aswell.“ Isak turned his head to look at his best friend. Him and Eva had been seperated for more than a year now but Isak wasn´t too sure if it really was over for them. Sometimes they shared those looks that screamed I´m not over you.

 

„Well fuck.“ Magnus laughed humourless. „It´s really just nice. But with great sex.“

 

„Pictures I don´t want in my head.“ Isak thought he said it quietly but the way Magnus looked at him it was loud enough for everyone to hear.

 

„Why? Because you´re gay?“ Mahdi and Jonas groaned in that pitiful way reserved for Magnus. Isak just stared at him irritated.

 

„No? But your sex is fucking weird. I don´t need to see that everytime I close my eyes.“ Isak sat up and made grabby hands towards Jonas until he gave him a can of beer.

 

„How is it weird that Vilde goes down on me and not that you like it up the bum?“ Magnus asked. And okay – that´s just rude.

 

„Okay, let´s just stop this right here. Magnus can do what he wants, Isak can do what he wants. Life´s short. Do what you enjoy.“ Jonas said before Isak could say something.

 

„What are you talking about?“ Eva asked as she arrived with the rest of the girls, having a portable barbecue grill and food with them.

 

„Let´s just not keep talking about it.“ Mahdi said and went to help Chris set up the grill.

 

„Hi.“ Vilde´s voice was followed by loud kissing noices and Isak closed his eyes.

 

„Everything´s better than cat tongues.“ he said quietly to himself and layed back down in the grass.

 

Vilde chose that moment to meow.

 

#

 

With his signed name and the visitor batch on Isak entered the gaustad sykehus. After a typical hot summer day the day before the sun hadn´t come out once today. It was rain after rain and grey clouds on grey clouds. Which meant Isak had to actually stay with his mom in her room or the cafeteria. And that meant talking. Something he wasn´t too keen on.

 

„She´s still at lunch. They had a problem in the kitchen so they´re eating a bit later.“ Mari told him and Isak went into the direction of the cafeteria. This place was an absolute mess. It was like High School. A group of overweight patients, a group of anorexic patients, groups of patients that Isak had no idea what they had. He found his mom quick enough. They always ate with the same groups.

 

„Do you have anything to eat with you?“ One of the stuff asked Isak before he could really enter. He shook his head. „Sorry, but I have to make sure. We can´t harm our patients with food.“ It was like prison. Isak waited patiently until the guy was done with looking through his pockets. The security guy nodded him through.

 

„How do you not feel like a prisoner in here?“ Isak said sitting infront of his mom. She was eating something that looked like a soup but could be anything.

 

„They are helping me. Not keeping me locked up.“ She answered and Isak could only nod. It was good that this was her point of view but the reality was different. She was locked up. They had crazy rules. Isak was very happy everytime he left the hospital.

 

„That´s good.“ Isak adjusted his snapback and waited for his mom to finish her lunch.

 

„Are you hungry, honey? Maybe I can get you something.“ Isak nodded his head no.

 

„No, thanks. I had lunch with Sana.“

 

„Sana? Is she your girlfriend?“ the hope in her voice broke something in Isak.

 

„Mom..“ Isak was tired of the conversation that would follow.

 

„Just try it, Isak. I´m sure you just need to find the right girl.“ It was nothing to his mom but Isak felt like crying.

 

„I did, Mom. I can´t find the right girl. She´s not out there. The only right person for me will be male and with a dick.“ His mom stopped eating and watched Isak with an intense stare. He was done with being careful. This was his life and his mom needed to understand that.

 

„I´m sure it´s a phase.“ His mother murmured as she took another spoon of soup. Isak had enough. This wasn´t his favourite meal they discussed but a big part of who he was. The fact that his own mom, no matter how messed up, couldn´t fully respect and accept her own son broke his heart. If he didn´t leave right now he would start to cry in the middle of that fucking cafeteria.

 

„You know what, mom? I´m comfortable with myself. And my friends are okay with it. They respect me. I have a gay room mate and guess what? Nobody cares! No one thinks it´s wrong. Or that it´ll kill me. No one thinks it´s weird or a sin. Just my own mother. Would be nice if my own family could be as accepting my friends.“

 

Isak got up and left without waiting for an answer. He worked to hard to keep his tears inside to loose control now. The blonde boy was so concentrated on making it out with his pride intact that he didn´t see the body that he crashed into.

 

„I´m sorry!“ he cried out. Isak was so done with this day. He just wanted a nice smoke, his bed and too loud music to outtune his thoughts. But when he looked up to see those wide, blue eyes he missed the entire week, his day got a little bit better. Even was wearing a thin grey jacket with the hood up – only some small pieces of blonde hair sticking out. Isak wanted to push them back.

 

Even seemed to look for something on Isak´s face. Isak wasn´t sure if he found what he was looking for or not but a small smile appeared on Even´s face.

 

„Thank you, Isak.“

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Promise more Evak to happen in the next update!


	3. Chapter 3

The last week of school before summer break was always the most annoying one. Isak liked school. But knowing that you´re so close to not having to think about school for 6 weeks makes the last week go on forever. So Isak slapped on his phone display until the alarm was finally off. Really tired he rubbed his eyes and got out of bed, wearing nothing but the boxershorts he wore to sleep.

 

The shared apartement was still quiet but Isak knew that wouldn´t last for long. But for now he still had some time alone and spent it making himself some coffee and eggs for breakfast. The cluttering sounds of the dishes. The cooking sounds of his scrambled eggs. Small sounds that made his morning a bit better and gave him time to actually wake up.

 

„You´re up early.“ Isak jumped at the sound of Eskild´s voice behind him.

 

„Jesus.“ He turned around to look at his room mate. He was already ready for the day as it seemed. And he told Isak that _he_ was early?

 

„What? Didn´t hear me?“ Eskild had that stupid smile on his face that told you that he didn´t need to know the answer.

 

„Just thought all of you were still asleep.“ Isak said and stood on his tip toes to get a mug out of the shelf.

 

„No. Lin is. Noora´s in the bathroom now.“ Eskild told him and sat down at their little table in their kitchen. „Sooo … Noora told me about that karaoke bar they´re all going to on Friday.“

 

Isak poured the coffee in his mug and turned to lean on the kitchen aisle. „I´m not going to go there with you.“ he said before Eskild could ask.

 

„I wasn´t even going to ask you that.“ Isak looked at him with his „don´t shit me“ look. „I wasn´t! But I want to go with you to the club we met.“

 

„I´m not looking for someone.“ the younger boy took a sip of his coffee and made sure his eggs didn´t burn.

 

„You don´t have to. Just go out. Drink. Dance. Have fun. I don´t want to go alone.“ As if Eskild had a problem with meeting new people.

 

„I´m only coming with you if you promise to not ditch me after an hour because you found a guy to fuck.“ The eggs were ready and Isak looked for a plate to put them on.

 

„C'mon. Even if, you could always find one aswell. You´re cute.“ Eskild got up to steal a bit of Isak´s eggs.

 

„Are you trying to get rid of me? Find another guy to live with?“ Isak asked as he swat away Eskilds hand and put his eggs on the plate.

 

„No. It might me a bit small in here for four people. But I do just want you to have fun.“ Isak just smiled at him and left the kitchen with his eggs and coffee. „Are you coming on friday?“ Eskild called after him.

 

„If you want me to move out just tell me!“ Isak called back. He would eat his breakfast in peace in his room. That, and he really needed to get dressed if he wanted to be at school on time.

 

#

 

„What are you doing?“ Eva sat down next to Isak. They had their lunch break and Isak had looked for a table for himself. No matter what Eskild said, there had to be some kind of truth in it. And it was true. Isak had moved into Noora´s room when she´d moved to London. But now she´s back and sleeping on the couch. Four people in a flat with three bedrooms was too small.

 

„Looking for a place to stay.“ Isak said and scrolled down the site he was on. But all these shared apartements were super expensive or way too far away from Nissen. „You want to rent a flat with me?“ he joked towards Eva.

 

„Why? Are they throwing you out?“ Eva asked.

 

„Not really. But Eskild wants to take me to that gay bar we met. Pretty sure he hopes that I find someone to live with.“ Isak closed the browser window and looked at his friend.

 

„Is that a thing? Gays go to gay bars to find a flat?“ With a way too wide grin Eva looked at him.

 

„It´s definitely the way I did it.“ Isak laughed. „But it´s super expensive to rent a place so -“

 

„You´ll find something. And if not – I´ll be your Plan B.“

 

 

#

 

„Hey.“ Isak was once again at the hospital. He didn´t even want to visit his mom. It was the middle of the week and he got a strange look from Mari when he asked to see Even. But he was allowed at the end if they stayed in a open place and not his room. Lucky for him Even was sitting on the same bench drawing.

 

„Isak, hi!“ Even closed his sketchbook and looked at Isak. So much more confident than the last time they met.

 

„Are you drawing me again?“ Isak asked as he sat down. Even shook his head no and looked down smiling. „It´s good to see you again. You know … not just your door.“

 

„I´m sorry about that. It´s just that … you don´t know me. You should be running seeing that I draw you. But my therapist says that I should just accept that you still want to talk to me.“

 

„Your therapist? Sounds like he´s a smart men.“ Isak smiled. It wasn´t too suprising that Even had to go see a therapist. Still didn´t tell Isak _why_ Even was in here.

 

„Sometimes. Most of the times I don´t know if he really wants to help me.“ Even shrugged.

 

„Why don´t you tell them? That you don´t need it?“ Isak asked but Even only laughed humourless.

 

„It´s not that easy. My parents made me sign myself in. I agreed to everything the experts in here think is good for me.“

 

„You gave up all control?“ Isak asked.

 

„No, I had already lost all control.“ That conversation had gone dark real quick.

 

„So what do you do all day?“ he tried his best to find a lighter topic.

 

„Not much. Being in here doesn´t give you too many options. I draw but other than that … it´s amazing with what kind of things people can hurt themselves and others. So a lot of things are forbidden.“

 

„Well, you´re really good at drawing.“ Isak smiled. Even should know that the only thing he could do in here was really good.

 

„Thanks. Do you like art?“ Even´s eyes lit up in a way that only happens when someone is passionate about something.

 

„Yeah.“ Isak said before he could think about it. „I mean … it´s nice to look at.“ Please don´t ask me about my favourite works or artists, was what he really meant.

 

„Since I was young art was always the way for me to express myself. I´m not that good with words but … i can work with a pencil.“

 

„I´m not really good with words either.“ Isak smiled. „But also not with a pencil, so … I just try to make sense with my words I guess.“ he shrugged.

 

„Does it work?“ Even asked.

 

„Don´t know. Yeah, I guess. It´s like … I overthink a lot of things and still say the wrong thing. Most of my words are used for explanations. I guess I have my problems aswell.“

 

„Everyone is fucked up in a way. Some more than others but … in the end we´re all fucked up.“ In that moment Isak decided that Even had too much time to think. He overthought stuff way more than Isak did and that was hard to top.

 

„You have way too much time to think.“ he made sure to tell him. „I need to come more often and distract you from your thoughts.“

 

„You do that.“ Isak left that day with a warm feeling, the picture of Even´s smile still fresh in his mind.

 

#

 

„This is not the bar we met.“ Isak and Eskild were standing infront of a dimly lit bar that screamed 'gay bar'. It wasn´t a lie when Isak had told Eskild that he hadn´t been in the gay bar on purpose. It had looked like any other bar. Which wasn´t bad but Isak thought that people should at least know where they are.

 

„No, it´s not. But this one is way more fun. You can dance.“ Eskild wiggled his eyebrows at Isak.

 

„I thought we´d just go out for some drinks.“ Isak said.

 

„Drinks. Dance. Boys. We´re gonna enjoy ourselves.“ Eskild waved him off and made his way to the entry.

 

„Why does everyone wants me to get laid?“ Isak asked noone in particular. He wasn´t a virgin and he liked a hook up every now and then. But when _he_ wanted to.

 

„Because you´re a moody teenager who needs some sexy time to feel better.“ Eskild called.

 

„I´m not moody!“ Isak exclaimed.

 

„You coming?“ Was all that his roommate called back and Isak followed. Whatever, he would get a beer out of it.

 

Isak was in some kind of gay heaven. Guys were dancing and drinking all around him. Having fun. Enjoying themselves. Just what Eskild wanted for him. Only that all of these guys looked a lot older than Isak. Which wasn´t that surprising given that Isak wasn´t even legal yet.

 

„Here. Wanna sit or dance?“ Eskild was back beside him with two beer´s in his hands.

 

„Sit.“ The younger boy turned to find an empty table. But Eskild had other plans.

 

„C'mon. Over there are still some empty seats. We´ll never meet guys if we sit by our own. They´ll think we´re here as a couple.“ Eskild logic. But Eskild already thinks that Isak is a moody teenager so why not live up to that image.

 

„Told you I´m not looking.“ Isak complained but followed Eskild to the two guys. A ginger and a brunette.

 

„Hey! Are those seats taken?“ Eskild asked and the two boys shook their heads no. „Great. I`m Eskild and that´s Isak.“ Isak nodded in greeting and took a seat.

 

„Hi I´m Julian.“ The brunette smiled at Isak. Again – Isak just nodded. He wasn´t good at this. Girls? No problem. But he wasn´t even interested in them. So it wasn´t a bad thing if one rejected him. But flirting with a boy? That was real. Made him vulnerable. And Isak was really bad at it.

 

„He needs to learn to let go and have fun.“ was the very un-helpful explanation to Isak´s muteness. Isak even got another wiggle of those eyebrows that were haunting him. And with a „Cheers!“ Eskild raised his bottle of beer. Oh whatever. Beer and weed were his friends.

 

It only took him about four beers before he was loose enough to actually talk to Julian. The boy seemed to be obsessed with Isak – never leaving his eyes of off him. It was creepy. But Isak was drunk enough to wanting to have fun so he didn´t say No the third time Julian asked him to dance.

 

It was fast. It was dirty. It was body on body. And when Isak closed his eyes he saw Even. Even smiling at him. Even dancing with him. Even kissing his neck.

 

_Even._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to add the unrequited Love Story of Julian.


	4. Chapter 4

_Unknown number –_ how r u ?

 

 _Isak –_ who r u?

 

 _Unknown number –_ Julian? We met last week in the club?

 

 _Isak –_ oh, hi. How did u get my no?

 

 _Unknown number –_ Eskild gave it to me.

 

Why in the world would Eskild give out his number to random dudes? If Isak would´ve wanted to stay in contact he would have given his numer to this boy the night they met. He loved Eskild. But he tried to play cupid way too often. Isak threw his phone next to him on the bed and stared at his ceiling. The only boy he wanted to stay in contact with had blonde, messy hair, bright blue eyes and was able to make him feel all kinds of emotions with just one look.

 

He would´ve asked Even for his number but what was the use? Patients weren´t allowed to have their phones, Isak knew that from his mother. He hadn´t visited her since her comment on him being gay. It was like this most of the times. His Mom would say some hurtful things, Isak wouldn´t come visit for a while and once he´s back everythings okay for a bit before she comes with the next hurtful thing. Isak didn´t know if that really were her believes and if she would never be able to support and respect Isak or if those things were just part of her condition.

 

One way or another – it hurts. And Isak had enough good and kind people around him to not needing to listen to this shit all day. His phone went off again but expecting it to be another message from his new stalker and left his phone where it was and got up to get something to eat.

 

With his bowl of cereal he went to the living room where Lin was watching something on the TV. She was under a blanket – seemingly not caring that it was super hot out – and seemed to be more in deep thought than concentrated on whatever show was on.

 

„Do you want something?“ Isak asked sitting down. Lin was always home, always deep in her depression. But at the same time she was the kindest person you could find and would do a lot for you. It was only fair to give it back.

 

„No. Thanks.“ She didn´t even move an inch so Isak went back to his cereal. He tried getting into the movie Lin was watching but too much had happened. So he just watched for the heck of it.

 

„Who´s home?“ came the booming voice through the flat. Lin crunched her face together, obviously not liking the loud noise. Isak was annoyed the second he identified the voice as Eskild´s. None of them answered but it didn´t took Eskild long to find them in the living room.

 

„Why is noone answering me?“ he asked, leaning on the doorframe.

 

„Why do you give out my number to random dudes?“ was Isak´s question in return.

 

„Oh did he call? What was his name … Julian? You guys seemed to really hit it off.“ Eskild looked way too pleased with himself.

 

„We didn´t! I was drunk. And that Julian guy is really creepy.“

 

„Oh come on. You don´t have to fall in love to release some stress if you know what I mean.“ Isak needed new friends.

 

„Okay. I´m leaving.“ He got up and went to get his backpack and phone from his room.

 

„Are you meeting Julian?“ Eskild called hopefuly after him.

 

„Never!“ was Isak response before the front door was closed.

 

#

 

Gaustad sykehus was way too quiet. Isak usually only came on the weekends and the evenings. Now, around 1pm, nobody was seen. At least from Isak´s spot at the entrance. Mari was once again working at the counter.

 

„Your mom is in therapy right now.“ She said when she saw who was infront of her. „That might be melted by the time she´s done.“ Mari nodded at the two ice cream cones in his hand.

 

„I know. About the therapy I mean. I was hoping to see Even actually.“ Straight out. Sometimes that works better than making excuse.

 

„Even? Yeah, okay. He should be in his room. I´m not sure if you´re allowed up there. You´re not close or related.“ Isak gave Mari his best puppy eyes. The young girl looked conflicted. „Listen. Even and your mom are on the same floor. I´m going to write down that you came for your mom, okay? You can sneek in but please – if you get caught tell them you told me that you wanted to visit your mom. I could loose my job. And I actually like my job.“

 

Isak nodded with a big, thankful smile and used the elevator to get up to the 7th floor. It was just his luck that a carer that worked there was walking over to him. He smiled at him – probably knowing Isak. Most of the stuff knew him as he came regulary.

 

„You´re mom isn´t here.“ And Isak was right.

 

„Yeah, I totally forgot that she has therapy right now. It´s just that I´m on break and thought I come by earlier. Even got her her favourite ice cream. But I´ll just wait in her room.“ The lie was easily told and the carer seemed to believe him.

„Alright. Shouldn´t be too long. It´s really nice of you that you´re helping your mom so much. It means a lot to her that you come by so often.“ She surely had a nice way of showing it. Isak just smiled and made his way in the direction of his mom´s room. Only when the carer disappeared behind the doors of the elevator he quickly made his way over to Even.

 

It was hard to knock on the door with two ice cream cone in his hands. He ended up knocking awkwardly with his elbow hoping Even could here him. But just like last time nobody opened the door.

 

„Even? It´s me. Can you open the door please?“ Isak called through the wood. Three seconds. That´s all it took for the door to open and having a smiling Even infront of him.

 

„Hi!“ Isak said when Even did nothing but smile at him. It took him another two seconds but then the „Hi“ was returned.

 

„Can I come in? I´m supposed to be visiting my mom so … I shouldn´t really be here.“ Even looked at him wide eyed, as if Isak had gotten him out of a trance.

 

„Yeah, come in.“ Even steped away from the door and Isak went in, glad that he made it and the door was closed behind him.

 

„I got us ice cream from down the road.“ Isak handed one cone to Even and put his backpack next to the door. The younger one felt Even´s eyes on him but not in a creepy way. It didn´t made him uncomfortable like Julian made him. No, but it made him feel all the good emotions. 

 

„You can sit if you want?“ Even made a bit more room on his bed where he was sitting and Isak gladly took a seat. „Thanks for the ice cream.“

 

„No problem. How was your day?“ Isak asked.

 

„Same as last time we spoke. It´s just really boring in here. Tell me about out there. What are you up to?“ Even asked with a hopeful look. How long had he been in here? Was it possible to loose the connection to the outside?

 

„For how long are you -“ Isak didn´t need to finish the question. Even was answering a „three months“ before he could even form another word. Three month. The same routine every day. Most of the things that are fun aren´t allowed. It´s like they want you to go crazy only to keep you a bit longer.

 

„Well, I´m on break from school right now. So I mostly just lay in bed and watch Netflix. I don´t know I´m not the most interesting person.“ Isak shrugged and hurried to eat his ice cream before it made a mess on Even´s bed.

 

„What do you watch?“ Even asked, his ice cream already gone.

 

„Breaking Bad mostly. Freakin' love that show. Oh my roommate made me go to that gay club!“ Isak exclaimed. Even´s eyes seemed to lit a bit more up. „Yeah, it was weird. I met someone there. But he was so creepy and weird. Always starring at me.“ The light in Even´s eyes disappeared with the sentence „I met someone.“ It made Isak weirdly warm inside. „I got drunk and danced with him. I think we kissed but I´m not sure. There were definitely lips on my body. But now he only stalks me, always texting and stuff. It´s annoying.“

 

„But doesn´t that mean he cares about you? Or that he´s interested in you?“ Even asked.

  
„Maybe. But that night his starring just made me uncomfortable and now he annoys me. Might be different if I was actually attracted to him.“

 

„You should tell him. Unrequired love sucks.“ Even layed back on his bed and looked at the ceiling. Isak didn´t really know what he _did wrong this time_ but was too shy to straight out ask.

 

„Ehm … do you want to hear the music they play now at the radio?“ Isak asked as a try to get Even back to the smiling, happy version. The older boy only turned his head towards Isak and didn´t smile but he nodded and Isak got up to get his phone and headphones. With both items he layed back on the bed, next to Even and closer than ever before. He handed him one of the earbuds and started his spotify playlist with all the latest hits.

 

The two boys layed quietly next to each other on the small bed. The music the only thing both listened to. Isak had closed his eyes at one point to just relax and enjoy the moment. That´s why he jumped a little when Even´s hand made contact with his arm. Isak turned his head to the other boy and opened his eyes, only to meet the ocean blue ones of his newly found friend.

 

„I´m really glad that you come over so often.“ And there it was. The small smile on Even´s face and the warm feeling in Isak´s body.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was really short. But the next one is planned out and will be longer. Shit will finally start to go down (in a good way ... I think)


	5. Chapter 5

Isak saw his friends rather quickly. The grass in the park where they usually met was full of people. Students that wanted to relax. Parents with their smaller children. Teenager with beer bottles around them. It was a typical summer day in Oslo. Eva and Jonas were laying on a blanket under a tree. They were both laying on their tummies and looking at something on one of their phones.

 

„Hey!“ Isak called when he arrived at their blanket and sat down. He had his backpack with him and pulled some beer bottles out. Just one for each of them. Everything else would end in a drunk mess in that hot weather.

 

„Isak, finally!“ Eva was up and hugging the blonde boy before he could close the lit of his backpack.

 

„Okay, I wasn´t gone for a year.“ Isak laughed but returned the hug.

 

„No! But you´re always _somewhere_.“ Eva said and released Isak from her hug. „I can´t even remember the last Party you´ve been to!“

 

„Maybe I just don´t like to party anymore.“ Isak shrugged and handed his friends their beer bottles. He opened his own and tried not looking at their friends. 'Cause of course he still liked a good party. Just not when his mind was with someone else.

 

„Yeah, with us. Eskild told me you two went out the other night.“ Eva said and took a sip from her beer.

 

„Eskild? Since when are you two friends?“ Isak asked and Jonas looked interested aswell.

 

„Since we celebrated his fake birthday and I spent the night.“ Eva said and okay – Isak didn´t know that.

„Where did you guys go?“ Jonas asked.

 

„Some gay club.“ was all that Isak was going to reveal.

 

„Yeah? You met someone?“ Eva said with a look as if that was the most interesting question ever.

 

„Noone to talk about. Just some stalker.“

 

„Stalker?“ Jonas looked at him a bit freaked out. At least someone had a normal reaction.

 

„Yeah. He wouldn´t stop looking at me and then Eskild gave him my number and now he won´t stop texting. He even found my Instagram the other day and liked _all_ the pictures.“

 

„Ohh .. he likes you!“ Eva squealt.

 

„Eva … he doesn´t understand that I´m not interested. He´s stalking me and it´s annoying.“ Isak finished.

 

„Does he really? I mean you had to give him some kind of signal to continue what he was doing.“ Eva layed back down but looked at Isak.

 

„We might have kissed. I think. There were lips but I was so drunk I don´t remember a lot.“ And with that Eva sat up again.

 

„You kissed?! Oh my god! Your life is so much more interesting than mine. We really need to talk more, Is.“ Isak just smiled at her. But it turned out to be more of grimace.

 

„What´s with your boy? That done?“ Jonas asked, the only one knowing about Even.

 

„You have a boy? Isak!“ Eva got louder with every new information about Isak´s life.

 

„I don´t.“ Isak sighed. „He´s just …“ he didn´t really know how to explain. „You know my mom´s not well, yeah?“ Eva nodded. „She´s been in that mental hospital for a while now. And I met a boy there. He´s nice and we talk a lot and he feels better when I´m there. But I don´t know what it is that makes him be there.“ Isak shurgged. „I don´t know ... I´m just not comfortable asking him that. But he´s not crazy like my mom. He´s just really, really nice.“

 

„You like him?“ Eva asked. The first time in a calm voice and with a soft smile. Isak nodded.

 

„Yeah, but it doesn´t really matter.“

 

„Why not?“ Jonas asked.

 

„He´s in there. For a reason. Mari said that you can fuck up the human brain really easily. And his probably is messed up already. I don´t want to be the reason that makes it worse. And what kind of relationship would that even be? To only see each other once a week and some stranger tells you when you have to go? Fuck, I´m not even allowed to be with him. They think I visit my mom when I sneak up to his room.“ He didn´t mean to but he couldn´t stop himself from talking once he had started.

 

„That´s really romantic.“ Eva said dreamingly. „Like romeo and juliet.“ Isak just looked at her weirdly.

 

„Is, you said that guy feels better when you´re around.“ Isak nodded. „And you feel good when you´re with him?“ Again, a nod. „Then what stops you? Relationships don´t have to be easy. They have to be worth it.“

 

Isak finished his beer and layed down on the blanket. He was the worst when it came to making first moves. Especially with boys when it actually meant something to Isak. And what if Even was just happy to have Isak around? Would Isak even want to be in a relationship if he´d be the one in some mental hospital? Why couldn´t they have just met at school and Even would´ve been the one to make the first move. To ask the question. To kiss him. Be the brave one. That universe sounded so much better than the one they were currently in.

 

„Fuck.“ perfect word to sum up Isak´s situation.

 

„Don´t overthink, Is.“ Jonas smiled at him. He knew how his best friend could get.

 

„You want to talk about something else?“ Eva said and Isak nodded. He was happy with every distraction.

 

„Vilde kissed me at the last party.“ Isak looked at her with wide eyes. Because yes, he wasn´t the biggest fan of Vilde with Magnus but she seemed happy?

 

„Is she still with Magnus?“ Jonas asked and Eva nodded.

 

„Yeah. She was drunk and hasn´t mentioned it since. I don´t know if I should tell her. I´m not in love with her or anything. It doesn´t bother me if she doesn´t know. But if those are her true feelings … she shouldn´t stay with Magnus just to hide. That´s not fair.“

 

All three of them where silent for a couple minutes. It was Jonas who broke it. „We have way too many problems for not even being 18.“

 

#

 

The one beer and the prep talk that he got from his friends made Isak go back to gaustad sykehus. He wasn´t entirely sure what he wanted to tell Even exactly, but he knew that if he wouldn´t do it now, he would never. It was quiet late already and Isak wasn´t even sure if he would be let in. Visiting hours surely were over.

 

He could already see the building and his heart was racing. There really wasn´t anyway to explain why he was here so late. Turns out he doesn´t need to. Mari came his way with headphones on and her handbag over her shoulder. It must be really late if she was off already. She saw him crossing her path and took her headphones off.

 

„Hey! Are you on your way to gaustad?“ Mari asked and Isak nodded, hoping that she didn´t want to know the reason. „Visiting hours are over. Maybe come back tomorrow?“

 

„There´s no way to get in?“ Isak asked. „It´s kind of important.“

 

„Isak, this isn´t a shared apartement. Everyone in there is a patient. I know it´s your mom. I know you befriended Even. But it´s still a mental hospital. There are cameras in there. You can´t just break in. That I let you see Even is already breaking the rules. Please just play by all the other rules.“ Mari had that intense stare. It wouldn´t be long and she wouldn´t be as patient with him.

„Ehm … do you know Even´s schedule? When can I come tomorrow to see him?“ Isak asked with his hands in his pockets, feeling small under Mari´s stare.

 

„Mhm … he´s not allowed to have visitors for a bit.“ and Isak´s heart skiped a beat.

 

„What?“

 

„I´m sorry. It´s just … he had a manic episode yesterday and turns out that he hadn´t taken his meds. He´s not allowed to have visitors until he´s back on his meds.“ Isak felt like crying. Manic. What does that even mean?

 

„He´s not dangerous.“ Isak whispered. His mind was racing and he didn´t know what to do or say or even think.

 

„We don´t know that. I can only tell you what the doc told me. Sorry, Isak. I´ll let you know when you can see him again.“ With a sad smile the girl slid her headphones back on and made her way to the next tram station. Isak still stood there. Manic. That´s why Even was in there. Isak had no idea what that even meant and it wasn´t his number one priority to know. His thoughts were with Even. In his small room. Alone. Knowing that nobody was coming for him. It must have had a reason why he didn´t take his meds and now they made him take them.

 

Isak stood in the middle of nowhere, feeling small and alone, and his heart broke for Even.

 

#

 

He eventually made it back to the shared apartement. Maybe he missed another group chat, maybe not – but all of his friends were in the living room. Roommates, Girlsquad and Boysquad. They all seemed to be heavily involved in some movie that was playing. Isak stood in the doorway for a bit. They seemed happy and relaxed. Something the he didn´t feel and wasn´t keen on feeling right now. They must´ve heard the frontdoor when the young boy came in but noone spared him a glance.

 

Isak made his way to his room. He closed the door quietly behind him and dropped his backpack right were he stood. With slow movements he got on his bed and layed on his back. Manic. He heard it before. Maybe in school? Tv? He wasn´t sure. But the word sounded familiar. That doesn´t mean that he knew what it meant.

 

He rolled over to get his Laptop up on his lap. Google was mostly crap for medical stuff like this but he needed to know what Manic meant for Even and how he could help him. That was still and would probably always be his Number one priority. Make sure that Even was okay. Make him feel loved. Make him feel worth it.

 

The first link he found after tiping in 'manic' in the search bar was wikipedia.

 

_Mania is a state of abnormally elevated arousal, affect, and energy level, or „a state of heightened overall activation with enhanced affective expression together with lability of affect.“ Although mania is often conceived as a „mirror image“ to depression, the heightened mood can be either euphoric or irritable; indeed, as the mania intensifies, irritability can be more pronounced and result in violence. ([x](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mania))_

 

Result in violence?! Even didn´t seem like a violent person. But if that manic phase is just a crap show that his brain produces then it wasn´t really him, right? Just his brain changing the game and giving him hell? Taking over the control? Was that why Even had said that he had lost control long before he got to gaustad?

 

_Mania is a syndrome of multiple causes. Although the vast majority of cases occur in the context of bipolar disorder, it is a key component of other psychiatric disorders (as schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type) and may also occur secondary to various general medical conditions, as multiple sclerosis; certain medications, as prednisone; or certain substances of abuse, as cocaine or anabolic steroids. ([x](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mania))_

 

Even could´ve had everything from that list. Isak was hoping for one of the mental disorders. He himself wasn´t innocent when it came to drugs but it would suck for Even to be an drug addict. But if he was, wouldn´t he be in rehab and not some mental hospital?!

 

„Is?“ Jonas was at his door knocking. Of course he was. All of them must´ve heard him come in. So naturally they had to know something was up with him. But only his best friend did something about it. Isak was too slow to answer so Jonas was already in his room by the time he took a deep breath to answer.

 

„How´s the movie?“ Isak asked and closed his laptop.

 

„Who cares. What´s wrong with you? Even didn´t like your feelings?“ Jonas sat down on his bed next to Isak.

 

„Even doesn´t know about my feelings.“ Isak sighed. He was feeling tired.

 

„What happened?“

 

„I´m not allowed to see him. Nobody is. Mari said he had a manic episode but … I don´t really know what that means.“ He pointed at his laptop to signal that he did some research.

 

„Manic? Isn´t that what Magnus' mom has? And then she´s depressed? I forgot what it´s called but maybe it´s the same as Even?“ Of course. That´s why it sounded so familiar. Magnus told them before about the crazy stuff his mother had done because of just another manic episode.

 

„I´m not sure if Even is depressed aswell. I don´t really know anything.“

 

„C'mon ...“ Jonas said and got up. „come watch the rest of the movie with us. We wanted to order some food afterwards. When everyone´s busy eating you can talk to Magnus.“

 

Isak really just wanted to stay in bed and complain to himself that he didn´t know what Even had. Or how to help him. Feeling shity because he was here in his big enough room and free to go and do what he wanted. And Even couldn´t. But in the end Jonas was right. His best shot right now was talking to Magnus. So he took the hand Jonas offered him and let himself be pulled up to his feet. Movie night was the new plan for the night.

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

_Isak –_ hey

 

 _Magnus –_ what´s up?

 

 _Isak –_ i need your help. Are you free?

 

 _Magnus –_ to do what? I´m at Vilde´s.

 

 _Isak –_ talk. About your mom if that´s okay

 

 _Magnus –_ are you okay?

 

 _Isak –_ yeah … maybe not. Are you free?

 

 _Magnus –_ sure. Meet at yours?

 

 _Isak –_ naah to many ears.

 

 _Magnus –_ Skatepark?

 

 _Isak –_ 30 mins?

 

 _Magnus –_ k. see ya!

 

#

 

The Skatepark was busy with a lot of boys and girls. Isak wouldn´t be surprised to find Jonas among them. Magnus was already sitting on one of the benches. He was on his phone and Isak could´ve sworn it was because of his girlfriend.

 

„How´s Vilde?“ he asked as he sat down next to him. Magnus quickly locked his phone and shoved it into his jeans pocket.

 

„Okay.“

 

„Okay?“ Isak did not expect that answer.

 

„Yeah, she´s … weirdly clingy at the moment.“ In Isak´s opinion Vilde was already very clingy. Must be aweful to have her weirdly clingy.

 

„Something you want to talk about?“ Isak asked. Yes, he was here to get some answers about what might be up with Even, but he was a good friend. And if Magnus was feeling weird about his relationship he was there to listen.

 

„I don´t think there is something to talk about.“ Magnus shrugged. „She´s just acting weird.“ Isak knew about the kiss. That Vilde had kissed Eva but never talked about it. Maybe she did in fact remember the kiss and was confused – maybe scared – to act as her feelings told her. But it wasn´t his place to tell Magnus that his girlfriend might not be into him. He was glad that he was able to come out to his friends at his own terms. He wouldn´t take that away from Vilde.

 

„Maybe talk to her about it. See if something is bothering her?“ Hopefully Vilde would tell Magnus soon before Isak was the bad friend that hadn´t said a thing but knew the whole time.

 

„Yeah, maybe. But what´s up with you? Why do you want to talk about my mom?“

 

„I need to know about bipolar disorder. I only know the text book answer that it´s high high´s followed by low low´s but … people aren´t text books. How is it really?“

 

„Well … it´s kinda just like that. The high´s are … hard to watch. My mom always feels like no matter what idea she has it´s the best idea ever. She´d do anything to work on that idea. No matter if it´s dangerous or if she could hurt someone or herself. She´d do it. In her case it´s mostly stuff that isn´t dangerous. It´s just hard because for her it´s right, you know? She doesn´t see the outcome of her plan. Me and my dad have to clean up after her. Explain to other´s why she acted a certain way. Mom doesn´t remember what she did most times after she had an manic episode. Sometimes she does.“ Isak nodded. So Even did something that he felt was a good idea but really wasn´t. He probably doesn´t remember it.

 

„And then come the low´s. Depression. That´s hard to watch in a complete other way. You know when she´s manic I can look out for her. I can try and stop her from doing really stupid things. Or explain her situation just so that she will have a work place to come back to after her episode. In a way I can help her. Not when she´s depressed. She won´t leave her bed. She can´t stand sunlight – or any light. Even our touch is hurting her. It´s my mom and she´s hurting and there is nothing that I can do to help her because anything I´d do is hurtful for her.“

 

Depression. God, Even didn´t deserve this. A part of him was still hoping that this wasn´t it. That Even had something else that made him go manic. But he had a feeling that this was it. Even was bipolar.

 

„She doesn´t know when an episode starts you know. Mania makes her feel amazing. She´s feeling good, has a lot of energy, is happy – she´s always telling us that she feels amazing and that everything is okay. _We_ know that a manic episode will happen soon.“

 

„But she can take medication, right?“ Isak asked. Even took some.

 

„She can, yeah. But it´s not like she´s cured because she takes a pill. She´s still manic and still depressed. But the high´s aren´t too high and the low´s aren´t too low. The episode isn´t as long.“ Magnus explained it in a way that only someone could that grew up with it in his family. He was just stating facts. Isak didn´t had the feeling that he was emotionaly burdened. He himself felt like crying and screaming just thinking about what it would mean to be in a relationship with Even and his bipolar.

 

„Why do you want to know about it?“ Magnus was another person that doesn´t know about his mom. He wasn´t embarrassed of her. But it wasn´t his favourite part of his life and didn´t want to share it with everyone.

 

„Just someone I met. He´s bipolar but I didn´t really know what it meant.“ he shrugged. That needed to be enough for an explanation.

 

„Ask him about it. Everyone feels things in different ways and just because my mom experiences it like this it doesn´t mean that he does as well. But good for you that you want to know about it. He´s more than just bipolar. You need to focus on that. It makes handeling the episodes easier.“

 

#

 

5 am. Isak hadn´t slept for a minute. He was laying his bed and staring at the ceiling. He couldn´t stop thinking. All the informations he got were trying to fit together like a puzzle. The Even he got to know. The stuff he read online. The things Magnus told him. All of these things made Even into a new person that Isak didn´t know. His Mom was diagnosed with a mental illness. And he wasn´t able to stay with her or to help her. What if it was the same with Even?

 

His feelings hadn´t changed. Isak still thought that Even was a beautiful boy that he wanted to protect and love. But could he? If he couldn´t even handle his own mother having a mental illness could he handle a mentally ill boyfriend? He felt bad for even thinking this. Even deserved love.

 

And maybe that was why he thought about it so much. He didn´t want to disappoint Even in the end because it turned out that he couldn´t handle Even during an episode. If he´d talk about this with Eva or Jonas both of them would tell him to just go for it. Not sleeping for more than 24 hours but thinking about worst case scenarios is probably what Jonas' meant by overthinking.

 

The sun was starting to rise and Isak got up. It was still quiet in the shared apartement and the young boy started on breakfast. He cooked enough eggs for all four of them and made himself some toast to go with it. Around 7 am he sat down at the small kitchen table and ate his eggs alone. He was scrolling through his phone while eating – somehow ending on some texts his mom had sent him months ago.

 

He should go see her. No matter if she hurt him or not. She was his mother and … he may also needed to prove to himself that he could handle mental illness. That he was done with running away every time something happened that wasn´t what was best for him. It wasn´t his mothers fault after all. He did the washing up and got his backpack before leaving the apartement and taking the tram to gaustad sykehuis.

 

Mari was once again at the entrace tiping on the keyboard. Isak smiled as he stood in front of her.

 

„Hey!“ he said and Mari looked up.

 

„Oh hey Isak! Even´s still not allowed to have visitors.“ she said with a sorry look on her face. Isak nodded. He knew. Mari had promised to text him whenever Even was allowed to have visitors again but hadn´t contacted him yet.

 

„I know. I came to see my Mom. Is she free?“ Isak asked, tapping with his fingers on the counter. Mari nodded and got her clipboard to let Isak sign. „It´s good that you came. She seemed a bit down if you ask me.“ Isak nodded. He knew. It was that way often when he didn´t come for a while.

 

„Is she in her room?“

 

„Ehm …“ Mari looked something up on the pc. Just another reminder of how controlled everything was in here. „Outside. Her therapist documented that she wanted to stay outside after her session.“ Isak thanked her and turned to go into the garden area.

 

But before he could step outside he almost crashed into another body. He looked up a second to late but somehow knew just who just ran into him. Even. With wide eyes. And dark circles under them. He looked really bad. Isak wanted to hug and never release him.

 

„Isak.“ his voice was so hoarse. Isak couldn´t care about anyone seeing them when they weren´t supposed to know each other. Or the carer that was with Even that looked at them skeptical. He needed to give Even something. _Something_. Just to make sure he would be ok until Isak was allowed to see him again. And so it wasn´t a big step for him to throw his arms around the taller guy and hug him tight. It only took a second for Even to hug him back.

 

„Excuse me? You can´t do that.“ the carer tried to get Isak to let go but Even was more important than any stupid rules.

 

„Even? Leave him alone. Let go.“ Even´s arms tightend around Isak´s body.

„I´ll be back. I promise. As soon as you´re allowed to have visitors I´ll be back.“ It was a whispered promise but it was enough. Isak felt Even nod against his shoulder and letting go of him. With a sad smile for Even Isak took a step back and went to find his mother. He needed to sort his thoughts and prove to himself that he could handle a mental illness. Even needed him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so the facts about bipolar are mainly what I gathered from text books and google and also how I would feel being close to someone with bipolar. Have a nice sunny week!


	7. Chapter 7

 

Isak was sitting in school two weeks later. His friends were sitting around him at one of the lunch tables and talking about some back-to-school party they went to and the girls they had hooked up with. Something that Isak wasn´t very interested in. Ever since he had seen Even in the halls of the hospital he checked his phone more often than ever. He just needed to see him. Make sure that he feels okay. That he is still in some good place or at least safe in whatever place he is right now.

 

Isak had worked a lot on himself. He visited his mum a lot more these last two weeks – more than just on sunday´s. It had helped that he talked a couple times to his mother´s therapist and it had given him a better look in her brain. It still wasn´t easy all the time. Some things she said still hurt. But it felt better to know what exactly is going on. Isak felt proud of himself for even trying to finally understand his mother.

 

With his phone being his new best friend he didn´t pay too much attention to his friends or his teachers. Which is bad but … fuck it. Even was his first priority at the moment. So of course he threw his sandwich on the table as soon as his phone went off.

 

 _Mari –_ got news! You can see Even. My shift is at 4 so you can come by then.

 

The message made Isak´s heart race. This what good news. Even has to be good when he was able to get visitors. 4Pm … that meant two more hours. Of school. And unimportant things to learn. Who cares? He needed to see Even.

 

„Earth to Isak!“ Isak looked up from his phone only to see that the boys were all looking at him.

 

„What?“

 

„Where are your thoughts, man?“ Mahdi laughed.

 

„Not with some chicks that you´ve hooked up with.“ was his only responds.

 

„Wow … will you ever not be grumpy?“ Magnus asked.

 

„Fuck off.“ Isak glared at him. He´s not grumpy!

 

„This about Even?“ was Jonas next question. Isak just looked at him before he sighed and nodded.

 

„Mari texted. I can go see him after school.“

 

„Shouldn´t that make you happy?“ Jonas looked at him confused.

 

„Yeah? I don´t know. It´s … what if he´s like a different person? I don´t … I have no idea what to expect.“

 

„Is this Even dude the bipolar guy?“ Magnus asked and Isak nodded while heavily breathing out. „Then there is nothing to expect. You won´t find a new person when you go see him. He´s still Even. Maybe depressed. Maybe the episode is over. But no matter where he is in his mind set, he is still Even.“ Isak could only nod again. He knew that. That there were so many options as to how Even was doing. But the not knowing was still making him nervous.

 

„Just go see him. You´ll know what to do once you´re there.“ Jonas wasn´t all that helpful all the time. But what else was there to do? He would go there anyways. Even was like a magnet and Isak had to be close to him.

 

„So … are you coming to the party on friday? It´s at Eva´s.“ Isak had a feeling that he´d be loosing his friends soon enough if he´d live in his own world any longer. So he agreed to go and spent the rest of the day worrying about his meeting with Even.

 

#

 

Isak was standing in front of Even´s room not sure if he should knock or not. The boy knew that he had to make a decision soon. It was the middle of the day and the doctor´s, therapists and carer were all running around the hospital. Officially Isak was with his mom. But he was too worried and scared to find Even depressed. He didn´t know what to do if it was like Magnus had told him. That everything Isak did would hurt Even.

 

Behind him the elevator _binged_ and out of panic Isak opened the door and let himself in before he could be spottet. When he was closing the door and actually looking inside the room he saw Even sitting on his bed starring at him.

 

„Sorry. I should´ve knocked.“ Isak said, still standing at the door.

 

„It´s okay.“ Even said. Isak looked at him with careful eyes. He looked the same. He didn´t seem depressed. The dark circle under his eyes were almost gone. Isak felt more at ease the more he looked at Even.

 

„Yeah but … I don´t want to interrupt you or something.“ Isak wasn´t even sure what he was talking about.

 

„Doing what?“ and there was a small smile and Isak couldn´t help but smile back at the boy. „Do you want to sit?“ Isak just nodded and finally stepped away from the door and sat next to Even on the bed.

 

„So … ehm … are you okay? Or is that a stupid question to ask.“

 

„No, it´s ... I should´ve told you before it happened.“ Even looked down at his hands and Isak just wanted to get the tension out of the room. They had been at a more confortable state before shit went down.

 

„Mari told me about it. Well … the manic part. Not _why_ you´re manic.“ Even just sighed and got up. Isak´s first thought was 'Shit I fucked up again'. But then Even went over to his only window and started putting a bedsheet over it.

 

„What are you doing?“ Isak was really confused by Even´s action.

 

„I stole it. Sometimes it´s easier to face the truth in the dark. I don´t … it´s weird.“ The room was dark. Not pitch-black dark but dark enough that Isak could only see silhouttes of the furniture in the room and Even who was coming back to sit next to him.

 

„Do you want to tell me about why you were manic? I mean … why you´re in here?“ It was an insensitive question and Isak knew it the minute the last word had left his mouth. But he couldn´t help it – he just wanted to know what was going on!

 

„I´m bipolar. Manic is just one side of it.“ the quiet words gave Isak a weird feeling. He was glad that he was right and it wasn´t drugs after all. But at the same time his heart broke for Even. What he had gathered from the Internet and Magnus this bipolar thing was a shithead.

 

„I thought so. Mari told me that you were manic and … I googled. My friend´s mom is bipolar too and he told me some stuff about it.“ The boys had layed down on their back … not close enough to touch but close enough to feel the bodyheat of the other.

 

„Really? You looked it up?“ Even´s voice was filled with wonder and hope? Isak could do nothing but look confused at him.

 

„Yeah? I mean we´re friends and that won´t stop because of one episode. I just wanted to know why you were manic you know to … well help you.“ Even looked at him a bit more and Isak could see the little light that still got through the window reflect in his eyes.

 

„Most people turn away when they know about it.“ Another truth Isak was true Even was only able to tell because of the dark.

 

„I won´t.“

 

„Thank you.“ A small smile appeared on Even´s face.

 

„Would you … tell me to shut up but is being manic so bad that you have to be in here? Because Magnus' – my friend – his mother lives at home with them.“ That was something Isak didn´t quiet understand.

 

„I´m just here until my med´s work the way they should. And they did. But I didn´t take them for a bit. Tricked the carer into thinking that I´d took them but never did.“

 

„Why?“

 

„I take them to balance my emotions. To get them to stay in a 'normal' state, you know? They are supposed to not let my emotions go into high´s or low´s. And it feels nice to not be the slave of my emotions but to actually be here. But there is always the thought in the back of my head that those aren´t my real emotions. Because my brain works differently. So … it would make sense that this Even … me with med´s … it´s not really me.“ Isak tried to follow his thoughts.

 

„I´m happy when you´re here. And I´m grateful that you´re sticking around. But for a couple of weeks I had this thought that I would feel real gratitude if I would stop taking the med´s. I wanted to _really_ feel how it is with you around. And not just the version the med´s give me.“

 

„And without the med´s ...“

 

„I became the slave of my emotions once again.“ Even finished the sentence for Isak.

 

The younger boy didn´t really know what to say. In a way it made sense what Even just had tried to explain. But then again it made no sense in Isak´s head. Why would you stop taking your medication if it´s helping you so well?

 

„Mhm … don´t feel like I´m not on your side but … you feel good with the med´s right? Safe? In control? Isn´t that better than feeling intense emotions?“

 

„It´s nice to be in control. But it´s not _me_.“ If his voice was anything to go by then Even started to get really frustrated with getting his point straight.

  
„Okay … why do you take them? Is the stuff you do when you´re manic or depressed that bad?“ Even just sighed.

 

„It´s just better if I do.“

 

„I won´t tell you what to do.“ Isak smiled. He felt that it was important to tell Even. He was his own person and should make his own decisions.

 

„So you´re not scared for life or freaked out?“ Even asked with a smirk but Isak knew that he wasn´t kidding.

 

„I told you before. My mom is in here and I grew up with her. She´s worse in her head than you, believe me. You can´t freak me out. I´ll come back until you´re sick of me.“

 

„Thank you. Can we … maybe always meet at the same day? I´d like something to look forward to.“

 

Isak nodded smiling.

 

Wednesday would be their day.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I read so much stuff in that forum for people with bipolar disorder and how they and med´s make them feel ... it´s intense. And so interesting!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this will have maybe 12 chapters ... close to the end!

 

  
„....and that´s how I ruined my best friends' relationship. And I´m not even manic! You really don´t have to feel bad for whatever you did.“ Isak finished his detailed story about his first male crush and how he was jealous enough to fuck with his friends relationship.

 

„Did it at least pay off?“ Even asked. He was feeling a bit down about his bipolar and what it had made him do. So of course Isak had told him about his own stupid decisions to make him feel better.

 

„No. I never told Jonas about my crush. Took me another year to come out actually.“

 

„Did you really came out? Planned it and everything?“

 

„No, not really. I mean … for me gay meant to be and act feminine. And knowing that I was gay freaked me out. It was a tough time with a lot of hook ups with girls and sleepless nights. At one point I knew that I couldn´t keep doing what I did so I talked to Jonas. Told him that I was gay. Then told my friends. And after that I didn´t really care what others thought.“

 

„I never had that. For me it was always boys and girls and nobody asked questions when I kissed a boy after dating a girl. I guess everyone just knew.“

 

„I think …. maybe it would´ve been easier for me. With people just knowing. Maybe that would´ve helped me to accept myself. I tend to overthink.“

 

„Oh, I know.“ Even laughed. They´ve been meeting every wednesday for three weeks now and talked for hours. They got to know each other quiet well by now.

 

„Oh, shut up!“

 

„It´s true! Sometimes you tell me things and go in circles while telling me about it. You even overthink while talking.“

 

„Are you done now?“

 

„Yeah.“ Even grinned. And Isak was too happy to see Even happy to care about the banter.

 

„Good. Because I have to go.“ Isak got up from the bed and went to grab his backpack.

 

„Really?! Are you kidding right now?“ Even asked, still laying on the bed.

 

„Sadly not. I have a biology exam and know nothing.“ The student rolled his eyes.

 

„Aren´t you supposed to be this bio genius?“ And yes. Isak might have told Even that biology is his strong subject.

 

„I was. And then my mind was somewhere else all the time.“ He did his best to not look at Even saying this.

 

„Oh … me?“ Even asked and sat up by Isak´s words.

 

„Won´t tell you. But I really have to go study now, so … see you next week.“ Isak stood infront of Even for a second and then thought 'fuck it' and kissed him quickly on the cheek before quickly making his way to Even´s door.

 

„Yeah.“

 

#

 

 

 

„So … if I break C6 I´m dead?“ Isak and Sana were sitting in his room on the floor, textbooks and notebooks all around them. The human spine on every picture around them.

 

„No. C6 is only for your hands. Your hands would be paralized. You need to break C2 to die from apnea.“ Sana explained.

 

„Do I really need to know this? I mean we go from C1 to C8, TH1 to TH12, L1 to L5 and S1 to S5. Who needs to know all of this?“ The boy had tried for the last two hours to understand what will be paralized depending on which part of the spine is injured.

 

„Isak, you told me that you want to be a doctor. I´d appreciate it if my doctor would know what could happen to me during a spinal surgery for example.“ Sana was right. Of course she was.

 

„Fine. But can we take a break?“ Sana nodded and Isak got up, his back cracking doing it. „You think that´s good for the spine?“ Isak asked grinning as he stretched out his back.

„You watch too much Netflix. You need to move more.“

 

„Nah, I´m good. You want something to drink?“ he asked on the way to the door. Sana shook his head no. In the kitchen Isak found Eskild and Noora.

 

„Are you guys done?“ Noora asked.

 

„No.“ Isak sighed. „But I need a break from paralized bodies.“ he went to find a bottle of water in the fridge.

 

„Are you on police academy?“ Eskild asked which had Noora smiling.

 

„No. But we basically learn what to damage to ruin someones life.“ Isak said bluntly.

 

„That´s … I don´t want to be on your bad side.“ Eskild said and Noora just looked at them with big eyes.

 

„So you´re not throwing me out?“ Isak asked.

 

„I never said that!“ Eskild cried.

 

„But you meant it.“

 

„I didn´t. But Julian called me. Asked why you aren´t answering him.“ Isak groaned and rolled his eyes.

 

„I will never forgive you for giving him my number. He´s so annoying!“

 

„You don´t need to be in a relationship with him. But have a little fun.“ Eskild wiggled with his eyebrows and Isak wanted to punch him.

 

„Does Julian seem like he just wants some fun? We´re not in a relationship and he´s already clingy.“

 

„But you could be a happy Isak instead of a grumpy Isak with a little fun.“

 

„Don´t listen to him.“ Noora added. „He still tries to set me up with Tinder dates.“

  
„You two are so unthankful.“ Eskild sighed.

 

„Yeah, well maybe I don´t want to sleep with all of Oslo but actually find love?“ Noora remarked.

 

„And I think I already found it. I´ll go back to my paralized bodies!“ Isak disappeared out of the kitchen before Eskild could stop him and ask some more about the love he had found.

 

#

 

 

As soon as Sana left his room to hang out with Noora for a bit Eskild closed Isak´s door behind himself and threw himself on his bed.

 

„Spill. Who is that love you found?“

 

„Just some guy I met.“ Eskild´s thirst for information and gossip wasn´t satisfied. Isak knew that and sat down next to Eskild. „He´s at the same hospital as my mom because he´s bipolar. I think we´re friends but it´s more for me.“

 

„Did you tell him?“ and Isak could´ve kissed Eskild for ignoring the hospital and bipolar part and going straight to the important part.

 

„No. I´m not good with words, you know that. But I mean, today I kissed his cheek as a goodbye and he didn´t yell at me. I guess that´s a good sign.“

 

„I hope he´s it for you. You deserve some love.“ Isak smiled at Eskild before his older roommate left him alone in his room. Isak would´ve thought that this would´ve taken a lot longer but maybe Eskild knew that this was real and nothing that Isak wanted to discuss like it´s some everyday gossip.

 

#

 

 

„Isak!“ the boy turned around only to see Eva hurried towards him.

 

„Morning!“ Isak smiled at his friend.

 

„Hey. Listen … can you come with me to Vilde´s today?“ Eva asked out of breath.

 

„Vilde? Why?“

 

„I feel bad. Knowing that Vilde might be not true to herself and only because she´s afraid of coming out. But she did, you know? She kissed me on a party with a bunch of people. A lot of people saw. That´s why I want to tell her but … in case she reacts badly … you went through the same stuff, yeah? Maybe you can talk to her?“

 

Isak just looked at her funny. The thing was that he felt good about being asked. He was glad that he had Jonas and his friends to be accepting but it had especially helped to have Eskild by his side. Knowing that someone had the same orientation as him and was happy with it helped a lot. But he didn´t even really knew Vilde. They never met just the two of them. He doesn´t really know anything about her. Would he even be able to help her?

 

„Issy? Please?“ Eva was still waiting for an answer.

 

„Fine. I´ll meet you in the cafeteria after school?“ Eva nodded and hugged him quickly before running of to her next class.

 

#

 

„How´s Evak doing?“ Eva asked as the two of them sat down at a table in the cafeteria. Vilde had one more class so the two of them would just wait in school.

 

„Okay. We´re … taking it slow.“

 

„So you told him?“

 

„No. But I showed him … I think.“

 

„Isak. Please tell me you made it clear? Communication is the key for a relationship. Especially to start one.“

 

„Yeah? I mean I think so ...“

 

„Talk to him! I´m rooting for Team Evak!“

 

„Team Evak? You haven´t even met one part of it.“

 

„And I never will if you don´t make a move.“

 

„You know, all of you always ask why I´m a grumpy teenager and blame it on my non-existing love life. What about I´m grumpy and annoyed because my friends are annoying?“

 

„Oh we love you Issy.“

 

„Yeah whatever.“

 

„There´s Vilde.“ Eva waved at her friend and smiled at her when she came over.

 

„Hey guys. What´s up?“ The blonde sat down oppsosite the friends. Eva started stumbling over her words but all Isak could do was looking around the room. It was late but the cafeteria was still busy. Students were doing homework or having a late lunch. Not the enviroment Isak would want this talk if he was the one being told to just come out.

 

„Maybe we should do this somewhere else, yeah?“ Isak interrupted Eva and the girl seemed relived to have some more time.

 

They didn´t walk far. Isak took the two girls to the bench where he had this exact same conversation with Jonas. No one was around which would make it easier for everyone. They sat down, Vilde in the middle of Isak and Eva.

 

„Just know that I don´t want to pressure you or something like that. But you remember Anika´s party?“

 

Vilde nodded already looking a bit uncomfortable.

 

„And that you kissed me?“ Way to push her in the cold water. Isak had to roll his eyes a bit. Vilde looked ready to run away.

 

„I don´t mean … you don´t owe me anything. But just … don´t hide yourself?“

 

„How about you get us something to eat, Eva?“ Isak asked her and gave her a pointed look when she just turned to him in confusion. But with a sigh she got up and made her way to the next grocery markt or whatever she could find.

 

„Did I ever told you about my coming out?“ Isak asked Vilde and kept on talking without waiting for an answer. He knew that he didn´t. „I knew that I was gay for a long time. My first real crush was Jonas but he was with Eva. I´m the reason they broke up if you didn´t know that. But I never told him.“

„You dated Sara when they broke up.“

 

„Yes. Because I couldn´t accept myself. For me gay meant tights and make up and being feminine. And I didn´t want to associate those things with myself. But I also couldn´t enjoy being with Sara or any hook up after her. I never was a homophobe but I hated myself for being gay.“ Isak looked at Vilde and the way she looked down at her lap he knew that she knew what he meant. „There was a point where I was close to breaking down. I didn´t really sleep for weeks, I hated that I looked after boys and couldn´t care less about the girl in my arms. I hated that I had the feeling that my friends would only accept me when I dated girls and made sure we got into partys with hot girls.“

 

„It´s what they like.“

 

„Yeah. But I couldn´t live on hating myself so I told Jonas. And it helped that he didn´t ask questions but just accepted it. They boys aswell. What really helped was talking to Eskild. He is gay and he knows what it´s like to be gay in today´s society. After the people close to me knew about it everybody else didn´t matter to me. I knew that I had my safety net, you know? I wasn´t alone.“

 

„But not everyone is as accepting.“ Vilde almost whispered.

 

„No. Even my own mom wouldn´t accept it. Still doesn´t. But you don´t need those people in your life, Vilde. It hurts to be hated on because of the gender that you like. But remembering that you have people in your life that love you for yourself really helps.“

 

„I really love Magnus.“ she whispered.

 

„That´s okay.“

 

„I have feelings for Eva.“ another whispered confession.

 

„That´s okay, too.“ They sat in silence after that. Isak giving Vilde the time to think things through but to be there if she feels like talking. 10 minutes later Eva came back up the hill they were sitting on, with three kebabs in her hands.

 

„I´m going to leave you two alone, yeah? If you´re ever feel like talking … i´m not the best with advice and stuff but you can text me.“ It must have really helped the girl as she was giving him a quick hug before Isak left the bench. He felt really good.

 

 

 you can reblogg the fic [here](http://mygreeneyedcupcake.tumblr.com/post/161544138968/behind-these-four-walls-chapter-812-fandom) ! xx  

 

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in today´s chapter you will find the talk Isak and Even might have had about his sexuality. Also that birthday clip was like 0.2 sec Evak so here you have a lot. Happy reading! xx

 

„You´re really trying to get me fired.“ Mari looked ready to throw Isak out of the hospital. He was not only wearing his backpack but also a tote bag that he had stolen from Noora.

 

„Not really. I just need this to make him feel better, okay?“ Isak had this idea last night when he – once again – couldn´t sleep. He wasn´t good with words, but Eva was right, he needed to make sure he and Even were on the same page. So he needed to do it with actions.

 

„Isak! You can´t bring all that into the hospital not to mention his room!“ Mari whisper-shouted.

 

„Mari. We´re friends, right?“ Isak asked calmly.

 

„No! We´re not friends. Just … Isak please don´t get me fired.“ she pleaded.

 

„I´m not trying to! I just try to help out a friend. Listen in here aren´t drugs or shit like that. Literally nothing that could hurt him. Just things that are fun and safe but not allowed.“

 

„You do hear yourself talking, right?“

 

„Please … I swear it will be good for Even.“

 

„Fine. But then you need to give me one of your bags. I´m serious Isak. You can´t walk in here like you´re a tourist coming back to the hotel from a shopping trip. I´ll get one of them up to Even, but you can´t go up there with both.“

 

„Thank you!“ Isak gave her his backpack, that one wasn´t too important and signed his name – again for his mother´s visit – before turning around and hurrying to the elevator.

 

He didn´t knock on Even´s door. Actually he hadn´t knocked in a while. Since he came by every wednesday around the same time Even knew to expect him to just walk in like it was his own room. And just like every other wednesday he found Even sitting on his bed, waiting with a big smile. Only that today Even jumped up as soon as the door opened and hugged the life out of Isak.

 

„You okay?“ Isak laughed and returned the hug.

 

„Yeah. I´m just … ehm …“ Even broke the hug and his eyes all but flew over Isak´s face. Isak wasn´t sure what Even was looking for, but he let him do as he pleased. „Come in!“

 

„Thanks.“

 

„What´s with the bag?“ Even closed the door behind his friend and sat back down on his bed.

 

„Well, you can´t have anything fun in here as you told me. So I thought I´d bring the fun to you.“ Isak smiled at him while unpacking his tote bag. „I have some snacks, made some coffee and my laptop has downloaded episodes of Breaking Bad.“ Isak used Even´s bed to prop up the snacks, drinks and start his laptop. „Normally I´d have beer when I´m watching with my friends but I thought alcohol in here might actually be one broken rule too much.“

 

Pleased with the sat up Isak turned around to look at Even. Who didn´t look as excited as he would´ve thought. And he should! Isak would´ve loved a boys night if he didn´t have anything but other patients around him for so long!

 

„What? Do you not like it?“ grumpy Isak was back.

 

„No, I do. It´s just … this is really nice of you. Thank you.“ Even took a step towards Isak, faltered in his step but then took the last one towards Isak and kissed his cheek. Isak´s grumpy self disappeared right that second and felt his kissed cheek turning red. It only last for half a second before there was a knock at the door and Even all but jumped a step back, actually looking terrified.

 

„You have to leave! I can´t … they´ll see you!“ Even said but didn´t move to actually get Isak out of the room. He actually did nothing but look frantic from Isak to the door and back at Isak.

 

„It´s okay. It´s just Mari. She has my backpack.“ Isak soothed the older boy.

 

„You can´t know that!" was Even´s hysteric response. And okay, the boy was a bit dramatic. 

 

„I can hear you two talk! Would someone open the door?“ Mari called from outside. Isak gave Even a pointed look and went to open the door. Mari handed him the backpack without looking inside the room. „I don´t even want to know anything that can get me fired. If anyone catches you – it´s on you.“

 

„I know! I tricked you. You thought I´d be with my mom. Thank you Mari.“ The girl just nodded and left the floor to get back to her work. Isak quickly closed the door behind him again and left his backpack by the door. Even was already sitting on his bed, nervously biting at his skin around his thumb.

 

„Are you okay?“ Isak asked. Even had gone through so many emotions in the little time Isak had been in his room.

 

„It´s so nice of you to do this. But … if anyone ever catches you come in here, what if you aren´t allowed anymore? What if they don´t even let you into the hospital? You couldn´t even go see your mom! I don´t want that!“ Even talked himself into something like a panic attack. At least Isak thought so – but what does he know?

 

„What´s your point?“ Isak sat down next to Even.

 

„Just … maybe it´s better if you don´t come anymore?“ The older boy couldn´t even look into Isak´s eyes saying it. No way was he telling the truth.

 

„Even … they can´t forbid me seeing my mom. And you told me that you like having me around so – no. I won´t stay away. This worked for a long time now. I´m careful and Mari knows that I´m with you. She´s on our side. Don´t worry, okay?“

 

It was just a small nod but enough for Isak. Even skidded all the way over to the wall and Isak laid down next to him. They arranged the snacks between them and Isak put the thermos bottle on the night stand. They then put Isak´s laptop down on both their laps and started with Breaking Bad.

 

For a while Isak was happy with being pressed against Even´s side, glancing over to him every now and then. Watching him going through all those emotions while watching the show. Seeing the light from his laptop being reflected in those blue blue eyes. Those lips that were slightly open that had kissed his cheek an hour earlier. Even was really attractive. Isak was pretty sure that even if he wasn´t gay he would still think that Even was good looking. But those thoughts just brought him back to Vilde. She seemed to have a hard time accepting herself. And maybe it was harder to accept that you like both genders?

 

„Even?“ Isak asked after he had watched him some more. It wasn´t even a secret glance anymore. He was starring. Even must know it.

 

„Mhm?“ the boy was still concentrated on the show.

 

„Was it hard to accept that you´re bisexuell?“ Isak asked.

 

„I´m not.“ Even said but didn´t look at Isak. His mind was with the show, Isak could tell.

 

„But you said that you´ve been with boys and girls.“ Isak was confused.

 

„Yeah.“ Even said and Isak pressed the pause botton.

 

„What do you mean 'yeah'?“

 

„I´m pansexuell.“ Even looked him right in the eye. But it didn´t really help Isak´s confusion.

 

„You´re what?“

 

„Pan. You know, when you´re attracted to the character of a person and not the gender?“ Even turned a bit to be able to comfortably look at Isak. Which made him also lay a bit more on the smaller boy.

 

„So just like being bisexuell?“

 

„No. Because there are more genders than just female and male. You can google them. I´m attracted to all of them you could say. I care about the character and not if the person is female or male or transgender or whatever. I don´t care about that.“ Even shrugged.

 

„But aren´t we born male or female?“ This just didn´t make any sense in Isak´s head. He knew the facts. They talked about in class. You get born as female or male. Everything else happens after that.

 

„Most people are. But there are always some that are born missing genitals or in the wrong body. And then there are so many sexualities you can identify with. Asexuell, Autosexuell, Demisexuell … I don´t know just google them all.“

 

„And I thought it´s only homo, hetero or bi.“

 

„There´s a lot more. Why do you ask?“ Even had a soft smile on his lips.

 

„My friend is bisexuell … well now I only think she is … but she has a hard time accepting herself.“

 

„I can only talk about myself and I don´t know if I´m the best example. With my weird brain.“ Even pointed to his head, rolling his eyes.

 

„Your brain isn´t weird.“ Isak made sure to let him know.

 

„It is. But it´s okay. I just think that coming to terms with your sexuality if it isn´t accepted in our society is always hard. No matter if you´re gay or bi or anything else that isn´t hetero.“

 

„I feel like I should know about all these different sexualities given I´m good in bio.“ Isak sighed.

 

„Aren´t you a bio nerd?“ Even grinned teasingly.

 

„The best. One day it will safe lives and pay my rent.“

 

„I´m sure.“

 

#

 

 _Eva –_ idk what you guys talked about but THANK YOU

 

 _Isak –_ just told her my coming out story

 

 _Eva –_ Isak Valtersen´s Coming Out Story

 

 _Eva –_ sounds like a youtube video title

 

 _Isak –_ shut up i´d never start a youtube channel

 

 _Eva –_ make one with your bf people would dig it

 

 _Isak –_ what bf

 

 _Eva –_ even?

 

 _Isak –_ not my bf

 

 _Eva –_ but you talked?

 

 _Isak –_ not really. But he kissed my cheek today i count that as a win.

 

 _Eva –_ you´re so fucking complicated

 

 _Isak –_ thanks. what´s with vilde?

 

 _Isak –_ is she okay?

 

 _Eva –_ i think so. she told me that she like likes me.

 

 _Isak –_ why are you .. 12?!

 

 _Eva –_ says the person who won´t tell his crush that he likes him

 

 _Isak –_ at least I can say that he´s my crush and not that i like like him

 

 _Isak –_ everything ok between you two though?

 

 _Eva –_ i think? Idk she´s a bit down that i don´t like her that way but i guess she´s happy that she´s out?

 

 _Isak –_ she´ll get over it. I got over jonas

 

#

 

 _Isak –_ remember that you can text me if you need to talk!

 

 _Vilde –_ i know! Thank you ♥

 

#

 

Mari looked actually friendly at Isak when the next time he came to visit Even he wasn´t bringing any bags. Even his backpack was left in his room. The girl just raised a perfectly-plucked eyebrow at him as she handed him the paper to sign his name.

 

„I thought I gave you one easy work day.“ he winked.

 

„Aren´t you kind.“

 

„I try.“ Another wink and smile and the student made the familiar way over to the elevators and up to Even´s floor. He was in a good mood. His studying with Sana had payed off and he was back on his regular A grade in biology. He´d agreed to a party in the park on friday with all his friends. He left Even last week in a great mood for both of them and was excited to pick that up once more. The smile on his face disappeared the second that he stepped out of the elevator and a therapist stood right in front of him.

 

„Sorry.“ Isak said and tried to get around him. He would just pretend to visit his mom. But the therapist wouldn´t let him.

 

„Do you have a minute Isak?“ he asked kindley.

 

„Is it about my mom?“ he asked. It wasn´t unusual for them to stop him to talk about the progress or regression of his mom.

 

„No. About Even.“ Isak´s heart was in his throat. Of – fucking – course did they notice. What did they think that two teenage boys were smarter then all the stuff in a fucking mental hospital? Shit. Isak needed to be able to keep seeing Even. He just knew that Even needed him here once a week.

 

„We know that you´ve been visiting him. There are cameras you know.“ The therapist pointed to the camera in the corner opposit to Even´s room. No, Isak did not know. „In our sessions Even is more open. He talks more. Seems happier. At first I thought that another manic episode would start soon. But nothing happened. I guess he´s just happy. Ever since you snuck up to him.“

 

This didn´t sound to bad. For all that Isak understood it was a good thing that he comes around, right?

 

„Do you know about the triggers that can start a manic episode?“ Isak had to shook his head no. He read a lot. But nothing about the triggers.

 

„Strong emotions is one. Listen, Isak, I don´t know what it is between you two. And that is private and you don´t have to tell me anything. But if whatever is between you means strong emotions for Even, it´s better if you stay away. At least if you want him to be released soon.“ And that´s just … what?!

 

„You just told me that he´s better since I visit him. Don´t you think strong emotions would happen if I just stayed away?“ Isak didn´t really get the point of that man that supposedly went to college to have degree in this shit.

 

„Think about it, Isak. You´d be doing it for Even.“ with those last words he finally let Isak pass. Now that he obviously knows about Isak and Even he didn´t try to trick him. He just went right to Even´s room.

 

Isak quietly closed the door behind himself. Even was sitting on his bed, watching him and biting his thumb nail.

 

„You´re late.“

 

„I know. Your ehm … one of your therapists saw me and wanted to talk. About you. They saw me sneeking up to your room and visiting on days I don´t visit mom.“ Isak sat next to Even on his bed.

 

„That a crime?“ Even asked. Isak shook his head.

 

„No. Just … they told me a bit more about the bipolar thing. Nothing I didn´t already know. But ehm. They noticed that you seem happier since I come to visit more regulary. They´re still afraid that I could be a reason for you to have an episode. Because of strong emotions. I don´t know. They basically told me to stay away if I want for you to ever get out of here.“ Isak sighed. It was the last thing he wanted to do.

 

„Will you?“ Even asked and oh god – Isak couldn´t handle so much pain and vulnerability in the boys face. Isak´s eyes went soft and he shook his head, gently gripping Even´s hand.

 

„No. I mean … if you want me to stay away – if it´s your own decision – I will. But as long as it´s my decision I will stay right here.“ The blonde boy made sure to link his green hazel eyes with the ocean blue ones.

 

„Can we lay in the dark?“ Even asked after swallowing hard. Isak smiled, nodded and squeezed Even´s hand before getting up and putting the stolen bed sheet back on the window. With the sun light blocked out he went slowly back to Even´s small bed.

 

„Okay?“ he asked once he was safely back on the bed. Even didn´t say anything but Isak felt him lay down on his back and he followed him. They layed close enough that Isak was able to see some features of Even´s face in the dark.

 

„My family still looks at me like I´m crazy. Like they just wait for me to go into an episode. And it sucks. I´m me. Just Even. I´m not bipolar. It´s a part of me but it doesn´t define me. At least that what my therapist tries to tell me. I can´t believe it when my family looks at me that way.“ Even said into the dark. It had become a ritual. Whenever Even had something to say that was hard for him, they layed in the dark. It made it easier for him.

 

„Your therapist is right, Even. Some people can´t stop smoking and you can´t stop being bipolar. It´s just something that is part of you.“ Isak let his hand wander until he found Even´s. Carefully he interwinded his fingers with Even´s, giving him time to pull away. He didn´t.

 

„I do believe it when I´m with you. You make me feel normal. You _look at me_ like ...“ Even lost his thought.

 

„You´re amazing. You deserve everything you want. And everyone out there should make you feel like it.“ Isak whispered into the room. Instead of an answer he felt full, warm lips on his. Carefully. Testing how far he could go. Isak let him control the kiss. Opened his lips a little bit for him. They broke apart after a few seconds. Foreheads still touching.

 

„Please don´t stay away.“ Even whispered.

 

 

 

 

 

If you want to reblogg you can do that [here](http://mygreeneyedcupcake.tumblr.com/post/161669758848/behind-these-four-walls-chapter-9-is-up-au-in)! xx

 

 


	10. Chapter 10

 

„What´s going on with you?“ Eva asked when Isak sat down between her and Jonas after loosing a round of their drinking game with Magnus, Vilde and Mahdi. Which also meant that he was at least a bit tipsy. Maybe a lot.

„Huh?“ Isak asked, almost falling when he tried to sit down and then just stayed half laying on the grass.

„You´re happy. And I haven´t heard one complain from you today. What happened?“ Eva asked with that smile on her face. As if she already knew what had happened.

„Just drunk.“ Isak slurred a bit. Yeah, he was definitely very tipsy.

„No.“ Jonas decided. „Even drunk you´re not this … calm.“

„I was with Even yesterday.“ Isak finally told his friends and yes – that was the stupid smile on his face he always thought was so annoying on couple´s faces.

„Did you two finally talk?“ Eva asked with excitement in her voice.

„A bit.“ Isak shrugged.

„And?“ Jonas wanted to know and raised his eyebrows in question.

„And we kissed.“

„Awww, Issy! I´m proud of you.“ Eva squealed and nudged his shoulder.

„Me too. 's that weird?“ Even if it was, drunk Isak was proud of himself. He actually wanted to be with Even, at least try it, and worked hard on himself. He should be proud, right?

„No, that´s good. So, when can we meet that Even guy?“ Eva was only for a couple seconds serious before she was back to her excited self.

„How do you think you can meet him? He´s in a mental hospital. Even I´m not officially allowed to be with him.“

„Okay, but … he won´t be in there his entire life. That would be a really complicated relationship.“ Eva laughed under her breath. Well, she could laugh. It wasn´t her relationship.

„Relationships are complicated. Just think back to you two.“ Isak looked between Eva and Jonas. Both shared a quick look and Isak knew that he had won this argument.

„Well, as soon as he´s allowed to meet your friends I want to know about it.“ Eva pointed her forefinger at Isak´s chest and got up. „Who of you will dance with me?“

Isak shook his head no. It was hard enough to sit down – and even that didn´t work out – he shouldn´t be dancing. Jonas though – he had that look on his face. The look that made Isak believe that both of them weren´t done yet. There were feelings involved. But his friends needed to figure that out by themselves. Jonas got up and went with Eva to dance with their friends. Someone had brought a wireless speaker and loud music was playing. Isak´s head was spinning a bit.

The drinking game was still the source of loud laughter. Vilde and Chris were a team, two bottle´s of beer infront of them. Opposite to them stood Mahdi and Magnus – again with two beer bottles. In the middle of the team stood a empty water bottle. Vilde had the ball and tried to threw it at the bottle. It fell and Vilde and Chris started drinking their beers while Mahdi and Magnus got the ball and put the water bottle back up. Only then did the two girls stop drinking. The boys were fast so the girls didn´t have to drink too much. But Vilde was really bad and catching the ball so Isak had to drink a lot when it was his team on the other side of her.

The game was over as soon as one team had no more beer. Vilde wanted to go again but Magnus waved her off and looked around. He saw Isak laying on the grass and came over to him. The blonde boy was really drunk and almost fell onto Isak.

„Get off!“ Isak complained and pushed his friend off.

„Sorry. I drank a lot.“ Magnus slurred.

„I know.“

They were quiet for a little while. But then Magnus started talking, the alcohol making it easier for him to open up.

„I think Vilde wants to break up.“

„What?“

„She was so clingy and now she´s … not cold but … not there as often. And she´s always on her phone now.“

„Did you guys talk?“ Isak asked, trying to figure out if she had told Magnus already about her sexuality. But he really didn´t want to come out for her.

„Not about that. I´m a bit afraid to ask. I don´t want to know if she wants to break up.“ Magnus looked so sad and Isak didn´t know how to help his friend.

„Sorry.“ was all he had to offer.

#

Isak and Even grew more and more comfortable with each other. Every wednesday they met was filled with life storys, kisses and cuddles. The second week after their first kiss Mari stopped Isak in school to tell him that Even´s therapists had officially wrote him on the list of allowed visitors. Both boys had been more at ease. Isak thought that he might have been worried aswell. Subconscious. Life was good for them.

It had been a day of lazy kisses for Isak and Even. The two of them layed on the small bed in Even´s room. Music was playing quietly from Isak´s phone. Even was smiling at Isak ever since the younger boy had arrived. Isak loved the feeling of having someone that looked at him like that. With gratitude. Love. Happiness. Even kind of proud.

„Can I ask you something?“ Isak asked in one of their short breaks. Even kept smiling and nodded. „I read about bipolar. But … is it something that you´re born with? Or can it just appear for anyone? I didn´t really get that.“

Even shrugged. „I´m not sure. For me it started when I was around 14 I think. But who knows – maybe you can be born with it.“

„14? But you´re 18 now. How come you´re only now in here?“ Isak asked. Even´s smile disappeared and the boy rolled onto his back.

„Ehm -“

„You don´t – just tell me to fuck off.“ Isak felt bad seeing Even obviously not being comfortable with the question or the answer it brought with it.

„No, it´s okay. My bipolar isn´t too bad. I´m never too crazy when I´m manic and the depressed episodes weren´t longer than a week or two. It was okay. I could handle it without meds. But then I suddenly had feelings for my best friend. Turns out being bipolar and having a sexuality crisis isn´t a good mix.“ Isak wasn´t so sure if he wanted to hear the rest of the story. But Even seemed to not wanting to stop talking anytime soon.

„I was manic when I tried to kiss him. He flipped. Called me names. Told me that I was a sin. That he couldn´t be my friend. He´s muslim. I thought maybe I could cure myself with reading into his religion. I read the Quaran. Memorized it even. I thought if I´d only show him that I really try to be better and that I´m even trying it with his religion, the thing he believes in, he would at least be my friend again.“ Isak looked at Even weirdly and the older one laughed a bit. „I know. It sounds crazy but that´s the shit I do when Manic. I mean I don´t try to kill people or something so I guess it´s okay. Anyways it didn´t work. Of course it didn´t.

Shortly afterwards my depressed phase began. I´m not sure why I did it. My therapist here asks me all the time but I can´t remember. It´s not logical but it seemed to me like it at the time.“ Even made sure to not look at Isak. „I tried to kill myself. Didn´t succeed and woke up in a hospital. Once the doctors were sure that I wouldn´t die they brought me here. My family tells me that they only want me to get the right meds. But I think they put me here because they hope that enough people are around to do something before I try another suicide.“

„Shit, Even. Your family sucks if they only want you out of the way.“ Even shrugged and looked back at Isak.

„Not sure if that´s true. Maybe they just don´t know what to do with me after that. It´s like they´re scared of saying or doing some things around me. It´s just really weird.“

„But if you only did it because of your bipolar … then they´re sending you away for being you. That´s shit.“ Isak understood why someone would send someone to get help if they tried to commit suicide. But for an disorder that´s not even your fault?

„I don´t think I only did it because of that. What I feel is real. And what I think is real. My best friend made sure to tell me how little I´m worth. I tried everything. Curing myself. At the end I just felt alone and like no matter what I´d do it would be wrong. I was getting depressed and I was alone by myself. It was my own fault, I didn´t want to check in with my friends, didn´t answer their texts or picked up their calls. Maybe my bipolar gave me the last push to actually do it. But it wasn´t because of it. I felt like I had to do this even before the episode.“

„Well, I´m sure they´re letting you out of here soon. The meds are working, right?“

„I guess.“

„Then you´ll be out of here soon.“ Isak smiled. Even wet his lips and leaned in to kiss Isak. His hand roamed down to Isak´s thigh´s, pulling them up and over his own lap. Isak didn´t break the kiss but slid closer with his upper body to lay more comfortable on Even. The older boy was the first one to break the kiss and started playing with Isak´s hair.

„Have you ever been to grünerløkka?“ Even asked.

„Once maybe. Why?“

„I used to be there all the time. There´s this one café retrolykke kaffebar, I´ve been there almost 

every time. It´s a bit weird and retro but still cozy. It´s simple and not really planned out. I think you would like it. Later I´d show you my favourite movies in my room. I have a bunk bed and it´s actually really comfortable so high above the ground. It´s … like a personally cave. We´d watch my favourite movies and I´d show you all the little details that everyone else doesn´t give any attention but are worth noticing. Once we´re tired we just stay where we are, cuddle and sleep. And in the morning I´d make you breakfast.“ During Even´s little explanation Isak couldn´t help but smile and close his eyes. „If we would´ve met anywhere else. That would be a date I´d take you on.“ It sounded pretty good. But Even´s last sentence didn´t sound right.

„Even … I wouldn´t have wanted to meet you anywhere else. It was a great first meeting. I never had anyone draw me before.“ Isak looked up at Even. „And you – the lover of romantic movies – should love how we met and our relationship started.“

Even´s hand left Isak´s hair and draw pattern on Isak´s back. „I guess. It would´ve just been easier to meet somewhere else.“

„But we didn´t. And I don´t want to change it.“

They fell in a comfortable silence. Isak closed his eyes once again and enjoyed the single finger of Even´s drawing patterns on his back. Even was relaxed underneath him, something that would´ve never been imaginable.

„Isak?“

„Mhm?“

„The start of our relationship?“

„M-hm.“

„Boyfriends?“

„Ja.“ Isak didn´t look up but he was sure Even could feel his smile through his grey shirt. It was wide enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I read a lot about bipolar disorder and the doctors say that you can only get a bipolar disorder once you´re an adult. But people with bipolar disorders in forums say they have it for years, during their teen years. So ... i don´t know what´s true. We go with the logic that Even started being bipolar with 14 haha.


	11. Chapter 11

Isak actually looked alive.

Brushing his teeth he looked at himself in the mirror over the sink. His dark circles under his eyes were gone. He wasn´t as pale. The reason might be that he acutally slept and looked after himself. It was sad but Even needed to come around to make Isak pay attention to himself again. Not healthy but Isak really couldn´t care right now. He was happy.

„Have you finally met up with Julian?“ Eskild was leaning in the doorframe, arms folded infront of his chest and in nothing but his silk robe.

„Why would I meet up with him?“ Isak asked right after he spit out the tooth paste in his mouth.

„Because I was right and you look relaxed and happy enough to have been fucked.“

„You´re wrong. I wasn´t. And I won´t be … at least not by Julian. If you´re so keen on him you can have him.“ Isak washed out his toothbrush and stepped around Eskild to get in his room.  
„Okay, but something had happened! Weeks ago! But I didn´t say anything because I thought you would tell me but I think I was wrong.“ Eskild followed him and layed down on Isak´s bed. Isak picked up the first shirt he found on the floor – smelled it to check if it was clean and then put it on. Only then did he turn around to his friend.

„I´m sorry. It´s just that a lot is going on and you´re just always talking about Julian, who by the way still texts me, and to be honest I don´t even know why I didn´t tell you.“ Isak sat down on his bed aswell to switch his socks to clean ones.

„I won´t ask you about Julian again. I just wanted your best.“ Eskiled smiled at him and Isak nodded in thanks.

„I don´t need Julian.“

„Because of that guy you told me about?“ Isak nodded and yep – there was the 'i´m so in love' smile.

„His name is Even. And he´s my boyfriend.“

„Aww, young love. I´m happy for you, baby gay.“

„Thanks, EasyE. I´m leaving!“

„Visiting your boyfriend?“

„My Mom! But you know, he´ll be there.“

„Have fun!“ Eskild called after him when Isak was already almost out of their flat. Isak wasn´t lying. He really was going to see his Mom. It was a Sunday and he wanted to see her early to have enough time to see both – his mom and his boyfriend.

For some reason half of Oslo seemed to be on their feet this morning. Which was weird for Isak as it was a Sunday morning and people couldn´t even go shopping. What were they doing this early? The tram to gaustad was full enough that no seats were available. Isak couldn´t even be bothered. He was happy and content with his life. Standing for a bit on the tram wouldn´t kill him.

Mari had the paper ready to sign as soon as Isak walked in and waved him through to the garden. It was a really hot day and most patients were outside. Naturally he looked to the bench were he first met Even and of course he was sitting there. But he wasn´t alone. An eldery couple were with him – probably his parents – and Isak wasn´t sure what the right thing to do was. Of course his plan was to visit his mom and later go see Even. But with what Even had told Isak about his family and how they act around him, maybe he would be grateful for someone on his side?

He must´ve stand there for a while before Even´s eyes found him and a smile started to appear on his face. Isak still wasn´t sure if it was a 'nice to see you' or 'hi please come and save me' smile. Even seemed to sense it called him over. Thank god. Isak wouldn´t be able to concentrate on his Mom when he knew Even was with his family.

„Mom, Dad … this is Isak.“ Even intoduced him once Isak was next to them. The taller boy stood up from the bench to touch Isak´s arm. Just a small touch in Isak didn´t try to to anything more. It was Even´s call when it came to the speed of their relationship. Anyway Isak didn´t know as what Isak was known with Even´s parents.   
„You´re the boy that was added to the visitor list?“ His mother asked and Isak nodded. He had no idea who has the last call in a mental hospital when it came to these kind of decisions. Were his parents okay with him visiting Even? He should probably answer soon.

„Ehm … yeah. I … my mom .. she´s a patient here and we met when I was visiting my mom.“ Isak explained and looked over to Even only see a small smile on the other boys face. Good. That was a good sign.

„Oh! What´s wrong with your mom?“ Even´s dad asked.

„Dad.“ Even sounded actually embaressed by his dad.

„Nothing´s wrong with her.“ Isak said. It was something that he himself came to terms with not that long ago. „She just needs a little help to live her life. Once she got that she´ll come home.“ Even´s dad gave him a pitiful look and his mom actually laughed. Laughed!

„Oh no. This is a mental hospital. For crazy people.“ Her words hit Isak hard. And it wasn´t even him with a diagnosis. Out from the corner of his eye he saw Even sitting back down on the bench. Eyes on his lap. „The patients here will need help their entire life. She won´t come home.“

Isak didn´t even know what to say. How could she say shit like that? Infront of her son! Even was so sure that he would be able to go home once his medication works the way it should. And now his mother says shit like that? God, even if Even was released how would he live a normal life in an enviroment like this?!

„Sorry, but .. ehm ...“ how could he say this without sounding rude? „Noone is crazy because of shit that they were born with. I do understand that some people have a mental disability and it´s too severe to live on their own. But you can´t go around calling everyone unable to live their life because of how their brain works. My mother loves me. And she knows who I am. She can handle the everyday life most times. She needs help – I know. But she´s taking medications. And it´s helping. And sorry if this is rude but … you really can´t say stuff like this infront of your son. Even has episodes. He´s still capable of going to school, finding a job and living his life. Yes, his brain works differently but that isn´t his fault and it sure as hell doesn´t make him disable to a extend that he needs to spent his entire life in here or a care home. As this is what you think everyone here needs.“ Isak´s crease between his brows was back and he didn´t look away from Even´s parents. If looks could kill. How dare they talk shit about Even. About his Mother.

As he was starring daggers into Even´s parents he didn´t see his boy´s hand coming up to interwine with his. But as soon as he felt it he looked down at their joint hands and back up at Even. The taller boy had a genuine smile on his face and his eyes basically screamed at Isak 'THANK YOU'.

„Oh, you two are ...“ Even´s mother started talking again and Isak wanted to roll his eyes so bad. „You do know what you´re getting yourself into, Isak?“

„I have a relationship with a very kind, open-minded and creative boy. He shows me everyday that I visit how grateful he his for me and I´m just as grateful to have met him. We helped each other. And we still are. I have his back. Oh, and I know that he his bipolar if that is what you´re worrying about and I don´t really care. I´m in a relationship with Even. Not with a bipolar disorder. It´s a part of him. And I don´t have a problem with it. It´s okay. I know that it shouldn´t be forgetten and I won´t. But my boyfriend is Even. And he´s a person like you and me. So … I guess I´m getting myself into a relationship with a nice guy.“ Isak shrugged and Even got up from the bench to stand next to his boyfriend.   
„I´m happy.“ Even said and Isak felt fucking proud. His parents didn´t seem proud. Or happy. They seemed pretty emotionless.

„Isak, would you let us talk in private?“ Even´s father eventually asks and Isak look at Even before he answered. He already didn´t like his parents. Who cares what they want. Even was the important one in his life. But Even nodded and Isak sayed his goodbye before he actually went to see his mom.

#

„Who are those people you´ve been talking to?“ Isak´s mother asked once Isak sat down next to her on some other bench. The boy hugged his mother hello before answering her question.

„They are … uhm … a friends parents.“ Isak didn´t want to hide Even from his mother but he also knew about she thinks about gays and Even had heard enough shit about that.

„A friend? How did you meet him?“

„Here. One day when I was waiting for you.“

„Oh. Is he nice?“

„Yeah.“ Isak smiled down at his lap. He really didn´t want to have secrets from his mother. They just started making progress and having somewhat of a relationship. He didn´t want to destroy that. But he also knew what his mothers thoughts were and he didn´t want to let Even near them. He couldn´t be here all the time and his mother could probably talk all day to Even.

„Mom, I know that you think I´m a sin. And it hurts. But I also won´t change. This isn´t a phase. I´m gay. I like boys and always will. And … ehm … Even´s my boyfriend.“ He rushed out. „And please don´t go up to him and tell him that he is a sin! I can handle it. But I don´t want to loose Even.“ the last words were more of a whisper but his mom had heard him. There was a hand on his back.

„Isak, did you know that me and your father always called you our miracle baby?“ Isak shook his head no. „We did. Because you were born on the 21st at 21:21. The midwife told us the delivery time and I remember that we laughed and cried and called you our miracle baby. You´re my son, Isak. I don´t have to understand everything that you do. But I hope that you know that I love you. And I want you to be happy.“ Isak couldn´t help the single tear escaping his eye. It was everything that he needed to hear from his mother. They had some hard times. When his dad left and Isak was left alone with the episodes. Only 15 at the time. Him leaving his Mom because he couldn´t handle it and being sure that she would forever hate him for it. The times that he came to visit only find a woman that wasn´t his mom. To quiet and civil. Thanks to a lot of medication. It had taken some time. They both needed to heal. They needed to accept each other. They needed to learn to be and live with each other. And it would still be a long way. But the words his mom had just given him – they felt so good and filled a bit of the hole in his heart.

„I´m happy, Mom.“ Isak nodded and let his mom brush away his tears. He smiled at her wetly and hugged her close. „I love you.“

„I love you, too. But … let´s wait a bit before I meet your … boyfriend.“ Fair enough. It was good enough that she finally said the word without disgust. Baby steps.

#

Isak stayed for another two hours with his Mum before he said his goodbye and went up to Even´s room. He had seen his parents leave a while ago and was sure that Even was in his room. So he didn´t knock but walked right into his room. Even was lying on his bed, playing with his fingers and seeming deep in thought. Isak quietly closed the door behind him and climb up the bed next to his boyfriend to cuddle. Even reacted immediatly and pulled him closer.

„Your parents suck.“ said Isak into Even´s shirt.

„I know. They actually came to tell me that I would stay here for another four months.“ Even said quietly.

„And the reason is …?“ Even shrugged as good as he could lying down and having Isak basically on him.

„Officially that they want to be sure that the med´s work. I think they still don´t trust me.“

„Baby, I´m sorry.“ Isak said and kissed the part of Even´s chest that he could reach without moving.

„It´s okay. You did clear up their heads. I mean they still act weird but they at least told me that I could come home after those four months.“ Isak smile grew.

„You´ll be released?“

„Yeah. We can finally have a real date.“

„I´ll remind you.“ Isak actually moved this time to give his boyfriend a kiss on the lips. „But how do they expect you being okay at home when they are so shitty?“ Again Even just shrugged.

„I don´t know. For now I´m just glad to be out of here.“

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the next chapter will be the last! Sorry that I kinda hurried this but I do have to prepare for my last exam to get my degree and I just know that I won´t be that much in to this story afterwards. So I just want to make sure I have this project done before I start the next one.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that´s it! Let´s thank Julie for that Birthday Video for Isak. It gave me my Inspiration back. Thank you for reading this mess that is not beta read nor has it a planned out plot. I do have another idea but first school stuff and then I´ll really plan that second one before uploading it haha. 
> 
> Happy last Skam friday!

_Autumn_

Isak was fussing. He knew that it shouldn´t matter. Eskild was Eskild, Noora was Noora, Linn was Linn. His friends were his friends. He doesn´t want them to change and he loved his friends and his roommates for who they are. But he still felt nervous when he got the text from Even that he was on his way. His boyfriend had been released a couple weeks ago and it had been a tough time finding space to actually meet. Even´s parents weren´t too fond of Isak after he had mouth off. But he still didn´t regret it. They often tried to meet somewhere public but you couldn´t be with each other the way they really wanted to when there were always eyes on him.

That´s why both of them had decided to meet the friends of the others – or Isak´s friend because Even was still convinced that he doesn´t have any – just to be able to visit Isak´s shared apartement or at a party or wherever. It had turned out to be complicated than thought to find a date where everyone could make it. In the end Isak decided to host a pre-party and invite Even aswell. It was probably a better way to introduce everyone than a 'Let´s meet Even' party.

For the last months Isak had told Even about his friends and his friends about Even. Both sides had those mental imagines and Isak was afraid that those pictures wouldn´t come true and his boyfriend and his friends just wouldn´t get along. So yes. Isak was fussing. Everything was ready for his friends to arrive. Even was on his way. Snacks were on the tables and beer in the fridge. And Isak couldn´t stop busying himself.

„Would you just sit down, Isak?“ Linn asked. She was lying on the couch and watching TV. Noora and Eskild were sitting on the other couch talking. He was the only nervous one.

„I need to get this ready, Linn.“ But there was nothing to get ready so Isak just pushed the snacks around a bit.

„You need to come and sit down.“ Eskild said.

„Yeah, everything is ready Isak.“ Noora looked back at him and waved him over. Sighing he went over the the couch and sat down at Linn´s feet. But it wasn´t even two minutes later that the doorbell rang. Hoping that it was Even he got up to open the door for him. And there he was – Even. With his layered clothes that made him look like a super model. And those blue eyes that looked right through him.

„Hi.“ Even smiled. For real, with his whole face and lit up eyes. He bend down to kiss Isak´s cheek. The younger boy smiled and stepped aside to let his boyfriend in. He was so happy to have Even with him. Mostly because he looked alive. He showed him everyday that he wanted to live and enjoyed life. He wasn´t that sad boy in a mental hospital with nothing to do and a shitty family anymore. Well – he still had the shitty family but he was happy. Full of life. And Isak could look at him forever.

„For how long will you stay in the hallway?“ Eskild called and of course. Isak could swear that Eskild acted as his dad most of the times.

„Your roommate?“ Even asked and Isak nodded before taking Even´s hand and leading him into the living room. He couldn´t even introduce Even to his friends before the door bell rang again. By the time that Isak had opened the door for all his friends and everyone had a drink – Even was with a group of his friends. Laughing. Drinking. Having fun. Maybe he really didn´t have to worry.

When he walked over to his boyfriend and let his hand wander into his backpocket of his jeans, he got a kiss in return. Looking up at his boyfriend and seeing him so happy made him feel really content aswell.

 

_Winter_

Isak was not in his bed.

He´d know. His – well now their – bed was way more comfortable than whatever he was lying on. He tried turning on his side but stopped when his body protestes with pain … everywhere. Everything was aching and his head felt ready to explode. Slowly he opened his eyes and saw – the floor?! Why was he on the floor? At least he wasn´t alone. Even was laying right next to him. Still in his fancy pants and his dress shirt. Isak looked down at himself and yep – still in a suit.

At least they made him back home before crashing. Isak can´t remember much from their new years party that was held at Chris'. He had drank a lot. And know he felt like shit.

„Morning Sunshine.“ Even smiled up at him and Isak just rolled his eyes.

„Why am I on the floor?“ his body was still protesting but Isak sat up slowly.

„Because you were drunk out of your mind. And it´s fucking hard to get your drunk ass naked and on that bed. So I just gave up.“

„Why didn´t you get naked and on the bed. I´m sure I would´ve followed.“ Isak winked.

„Because I was tired. I carried you home. More or less.“ Even sat up as well and kissed him softly on the lips. His boyfriend went in for a second kiss but Isak felt like shit and disgustig and just wanted a shower and their bed. „Go take a shower. I´ll make us some breakfast.“ Even kissed his forehead and got up groaning and left the room to start on the food.

Isak´s spine creaked when ge got up and it took him awhile before the world stoped spinning and he could actually get a shower. He did feel better after a hot shower and freshly brushed teeth. Isak still felt shitty though. But he always did and still got drunk at high at every party. He was back in bed before Even was done with preparing breakfast. Their bed was still the same Isak got when he moved in with Eskild and Linn. But they had been two broke teenagers when Even didn´t want to live with his parents anymore and Isak was done with his roommates barging in his room when he wanted to have his fun with Even. Their first flat was small. Three rooms. Living room and Bedroom were one. But it was theirs and it was perfect in their eyes.

„Feeling better?“ Even asked when he got back into their bed-/livingroom with their breakfast on a tray.

„Not really.“ Isak leaned against the headboard of the bed but made sure the blanket was still up to his chin.

„Let´s try to get some food into you.“ Even sat down next to him and handed him his coffee and plate with toast. Isak was grateful in that moment that not only would Even drink as much because of his bipolar nor was he angry at Isak for getting drunk. He knew about other partners that had no interest in caring for their loved ones when drunk. And even if Isak could understand it – he was really glad that Even was here and caring for him.

„You know I love you, right?“ Isak mumbled after both of them had finished their breakfast. Even put their plates and cups on the floor next to their bed and layed down.

„Yeah I know.“ he smiled and Isak got himself comfortable cuddling him.

„No, but I really love you.“ Isak closed his eyes. He could go with another two hours of sleep. Even chuckled and kissed his head before starting playing with his hair.

„I really love you, too.“

 

_Spring_

It wasn´t the first time Isak saw Even depressed. And he knew it was coming. Being manic isn´t something you can hide and it wouldn´t just go away without crashing first. The medication Even took was helping him to not be too manic and not be too depressed but the episodes still came. It it happened more often than Isak had originally thought. Yeah, it wasn´t the first time that he saw Even depressed. Doesn´t mean that it hurt any less.

It was like Magnus had told him once. Isak felt useless. Even didn´t want his help. Maybe he didn´t even needed his help. All he wanted to do was lay in bed and sleep. At least he got up every once in a while to drink something and eat. Not much. But enough. Enough for Isak not to worry about it. The younger boy had spent the last couple of nights at Jonas' flat. Even had clearly signaled that he wanted to be left alone. Isak was willing to give him the space he needed and his – their – friends were happy enough to take him in. Isak checked up on Even via text every morning and before he went to bed. Asking if Even wanted him home. Once a day he came over to get some new clothes. Giving Even a chance to ask him to stay this time. But it hadn´t come. His boyfriend would stay in bed, maybe watch a movie on his phone, and ignore him. Isak tried to not take it personally.

It was a friday after he had spent the entire week at Jonas'. He need some more clothes for the weekend but hoped secretly that Even would want him around. It was still a surprise when he opened their front door and Even came out of the bathroom. Dressed and still with wet hair.

„You had a shower?“ he asked and quietly closed the door behind him. Even was sometimes sensitive to loud noise when depressed.

„Yeah. I needed it. Do you want to come … watch Narcos with me?“ Even asked and pointed behind himseld back to their bed. Isak couldn´t be happier. Fuck his plans with the boys and their weed. He´d take a night in with his boyfriend any day.

„Yeah. Let me just change into something comfy.“ Even had a small smile on his face when he went back to bed. Isak followed but changed into a shirt and some joggers before meeting Even on the bed. He didn´t cuddle. He gave him space and waited for Even to make the first step. It was something he had learned in the last months. When Even was having an episode – especially a depressed episode – he needed the time to get out of it. And no pressure from outside.

Even didn´t try to get closer to Isak. But the boy was happy enough to be in the same room and not being ignored.

„Thanks for putting up with me.“ Even mutters after one episode.

„I´m not putting up with you. It´s a part of you. And I love you. All of you.“

„Still.“ Even always thanked him when he was in a depressed episode or right after. Isak told him everytime that he doesn´t need to. But it does feel good that Even knew about his actions and apologized for it.

„I love you, too.“

 

_Summer_

„Are you ready?“ Even asked. He was smiling happily at Isak. Looking way to relaxed for what they are about to do. Isak was sat behind the wheel of Even´s parents car. He had turned eighteen a couple weeks back and Even thought it would be a good idea to teach him how to drive. Which was probably not even allowed. But at the time – cuddled together on their bed on a sunday morning – it had sounded like a good idea. Now though?

„I don´t know.“ Isak whined. He didn´t even want to touch the wheel. Even´s hand sneeked up to rest on the back of his seat. Long fingers started playing with his hair that didn´t make it under his cap. With his free hand Even turned the key´s until the motor roared alive.

„You have to do the rest yourself.“ There was a laugh in Even´s voice and Isak didn´t like it one bit. The younger boy could feel the car vibrated under them. There was this feeling of power in him. He was sure other people liked it. Liked having the control over a car. But Isak could only see the many possible way´s of dying in this car. He whined some more and hid behind his eyes when a frustrated and uncontrolled scream made it´s way out.

„It´s scary!“ Here´s the thing. Traffic hated Isak. And Isak had every right to be afraid of it. He couldn´t even count the times of a tram almost hitting him or a car not seeing him while crossing the road. It was a sure fact that Isak would die in a traffic accident. At least for Isak that was. And his chances of dying increased by driving a car himself. Traffic was a bitch.

„Come on. Don´t be dramatic.“ They hadn´t even had their seatbelts on! Isak really would´ve appreciate it if they would just switch seats again.

„I´m not dramatic! This is just not going to end well!“ Isak cried out still leaning as far away as possible.

„You know I said the same about our relationship once. When I was depressed? And you were the one telling me to shut up because I couldn´t know that? And look where we are now!“ Okay, sure. Even was right. But this was completely different! Isak took a deep breath and frowened at the steering wheel. He had no intention on actually driving but turned off the motor and opened his door.

„You´re not going to drive?“ Even asked. Isak was already out of the car and crouched down next to the window.

„I don´t think so.“ Isak frowned. Feeling better now that he was out of that car.

„Shall we do it some other time?“ Isak only nodded. The car was still parked infront of Even´s parents house. Even got out and hugged Isak tight. That boy knew what he needed when he didn´t even knew it himself.

With interwinded hands they walked home. It would be safer. 

 

 

 

Reblogg this one on[ Tumblr](http://mygreeneyedcupcake.tumblr.com/post/162157879978/behind-these-four-walls-isak-x-even-chapters) :)


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